OK I am back

Was going to wait for the new year but I am full now! After nearly 4 weeks off work to tend to family issues followed by Christmas I gave in and behaved any way I wanted to. Not even getting on the scale until next week when  I  have gone back to work and started back on Jenny Craig. It is what it is.  I ate and I shopped. I also walked the dogs more, cleaned my house like crazy and I wish there was one more thing I could write here to follow the comedy rules of 3 but there is not it is just those 2 things.

Literally a Dr's appointment every day in fact going to another today.  Stress and  the need to make the world a better place with buttered pop corn and movies. One the note of being an active Mommy I am one step closer to making the horse dream real. I actually had  to see a girl about a horse. We met 2 hours and talked and talked. She stressed it could take several years to find a horse that they could accept into their program. It is a program for disabled folks  the horse literally has to not care if the autistic kid has a seizure while riding. She called it "bomb proof"  I went home ready to start my crusade of horse shopping. I had a list of strict criteria and literally the first horse I looked at had every trait they seek. His name is Zebs Dream Weaver. I gave the info to the BOK ranch and they said I did very well and said I should got to Vegas as I was lucky. I do not know if I am lucky or obsessive.  To prove that point, I  eagerly awaited them to call with the next step. Instead I got "they have not called he is probably off the market keep trying" Hell no! I called the horse people literally from the Interventional Radiology room  while awaiting to do the "time out" with the surgeon before my daughter was having a procedure.  I was in there with the OR crew and my daughter on the table and said "do you mid if I make a call?" I was on the phone with the Horse lady when the Doctor walked in a bit wide eyed. " Hello??? he said" I was like " Is Zebs  Deram Weaver still on the market?... hold on Dr I have to talk to a lady about a horse..." She said "Yes" I said "call you right back" and looked up as the entire OR team was staring at me with amazed looks on their faces. I guess I had just kept a rather of an asshole Dr waiting. I think the team  liked it.  My kid just wanted to hear about the horse too!  It was pretty funny. Anyhow my next call was to the Ranch saying call them!!! He is still available. !!! Now awaiting ranch to   see Zebs and  if they will let him do a 30 day trail at the BOK ranch. Keeping finger crossed.  In the mean time had a garage sale to earn horse money  need 4k ish and made $700.  Jack assures me it will not be a problem.    remember they pay for everything in taking care of a horse in exchange for using it in lessons. You buy the horse and get to ride it around the riding schedule.  What this means is that I will need real riding boots not fashion riding boots!!  Did I mention the horse thing comes with a membership to the Horse Park at Wooddside? Yes it does.

So with an active lifestyle in our future and the wishes and dreams we think about every new year I am once again hopefull   that we will have a healthy life style  together  as a family.

Checked in and moving on

I am motivated and ready to get started on this once again!  I wish my back was on the same page. I think I am going to try yoga Sunday after I hydrate like crazy today. My Mom's 85th Birthday was last night and it gave me a bit of a head ache.  I am now on family leave for a couple weeks to go to a huge number of my daughter's Doctor's appointments. My challenge will be to stay on program and get some exercise in. Being off work is hard on a program as all structure goes away. I am a nurse and get breaks when I am relieved by someone that is designated to give  coffee and lunch breaks. When I see them come in the room I salivate like a Pavlovian dog.  Without that structure I will have to be strong and watch the triggers that may lead me a stray like a hang nail or new grey hair. It does not take much.

I vow to write everything I eat down this week, I vow not to make poor trades like a bottle of wine for all my fruit and salad dressing, I vow to drink water.  I vow to  move more.  As much as I require the healing forces of the candy in my bosses office due to the  stress, it also burns a lot of calories  having me running around looking for things a surgeon may want. Note sometimes they do not know the name of said item and they certainly have no clue where it might be. Needless to say I feel OR nursing burns  more  calories than sitting on a couch watching cooking shows does.  I vow not to reward myself with things that hurt me like Christmas cookies and champagne ( that sounds fab! )  or my new favorite coco with Gold Schlager (YUM)  I vow I vow I vow!!! Till death do us part amen.

Gonna have a loss this week !!!!!!!!!!  Feeling motivated to do something creative too! Goody

Early resolution

My last post was all about dreams and fantasy. Back to reality.  I made myself reevaluate the debt thing. Christmas hit harder than expected as I really did not plan for it at all and I am not strong enough to be cheap with the gift giving thing. At least I am not spending it all on myself. Here is the deal. Christmas sort of got me going and the next thing I knew I was measuring and pricing new rugs. I peeled off  a shellac nail as I calculated and was ready to finish my purchase and something in me made me get a grip and stop. I logged out and said " no new rugs!" everyone in t he house said "yhea!" I guess they saw Mommy running a muck and actually get a hold of herself. I threw out my last chart of bills and started a new one. I thought I would be done in June but it will really take 9-12 Months to get things paid. I suck at this part a lot!

We are going to have a garage sale!! I think getting rid of storage lockers full of memories and crapola will help. Sell 1000 things for $1 and you have $1000. I figure if we have not looked at it in years it can go. We have 1 storage locker and 2 garages full of junk.  American Pickers should come on buy and buy some old silver. Anyone want an Elvis Collection? We have one. Last year I tried to be an EBay mogul and found it was a lot of work, I was not good at calculating the shipping and things did not always sell. So I went through the mental anguish of getting rid of all my German made marionettes I had since childhood, took their pictures and put them up for auction and got zero bids. Needless to say that venture did not keep my attention long. A few garage sales and trips to the flea market could be fun.  Early Spring cleaning.

My back is still out. Boo. I was going to try Yoga but did a couple moves at home and it was on fire. Confessed to my weight loss counselor that I had sinned and she was kind. I am going in to talk to her Saturday morning. I am not gaining anymore just sort of stuck. That is the reason for this post to get unstuck in all of it. Look at the numbers. The numbers on the damn scale and my  credit card balances and really listen to them. Redo my charts and set off in a new direction. Maybe this time I will find America?  or at least peel away the years off my rack and find a renovated classic chasey with all stock parts.

I am not giving up I knew this was going to be tough as it is not the first time I have tried either stunt. This time I confess as I go. I think this blog has kept me from totally quitting. Need to weather Winter and move on. Naturally bodies want to eat more in the cold that is a scientific fact that I made up.

Oh yhea the blood work. When I went to the Dr the other day for my back she suggested I get my blood work done as I was due. I had not eaten breakfast so I qualified to do it. Unfortunately, I had eaten pizza the night before. My cholesterol was mid 200's - it has NEVER been that high. My fasting glucose was 102 it should be under 99. So I got an email from good old Dr Chen that included a cut and pasted document of directions on living a better life through low carb and low fat diets. there was also a link to get a digital life coach.   Seriously does not she know what I really need is brain surgery! OK take out carbs and fat and you are left with lean protein and booze. My liver enzymes were fine bitches! So the  pork tenderloin and bourbon diet will be in research and development and be  submitted to the folks at Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig.  JK- I am still buying the JC food but not sure what the future holds in that direction. Since Nabisco bought Jenny the food is pretty good. How could the makers of  things like Oreos and Ritz Crackers make ill tasting food?

Ho HO Oh NO

At home bored injured  and all alone with home made Christmas cookies. A Christmas cookie recipe for disaster.  Lifting my daughter I strained my back. No  yoga no biking no nothing for at least a week. Last weigh in it was all about maintaining as the Holidays provides an increase in social get togethers, lunches out and I have to say I love down town at Christmas time. Champagne in the middle of the day is fun.  The damage is done but I still remain optimistic.  I am off work for a few weeks as the call of motherhood won out once again. I am being pulled in so many directions that it is hard to focus on weight  loss in fact sometimes it seems ridiculous. How could I be so stuck when there are people out there hungry. It makes me a bit ill when I think outside myself and what things could be like. Again feeling like an ugly American. Either I am feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself or feeling disgusted at trying to take care of myself when others need more . I guess it is the Holidays that get you thinking about the world. What would the ghosts Of Christmas past present and future  show me if I were Scrooge? By the way  I am not Scrooge, I already have the Fitz and Floyd reindeer purchased on Ebay sitting proudly on my desk. I find myself staring at him a lot. Last year I got into a bidding war on him and lost,  this year I got him and I was the only bidder. Lucky me??? Whatever. What the hell would those ghosts say? I really have no idea or anything to say other than that would be a great idea for a bit if I were to get on stage which I am not, not right now, who knows when. I a beginning to think the proper venue for my feelings right now would be singing the blues.

I am not changing. I have days of eating well and others that I blow it totally. I have lost weight but gained 2 pounds back and here I sit awaiting the end of the year and to be one of the people who made the same damn resolution that crowd the gyms in January. I think in order for this to work to become thin and rich- still the goal, I need a complete overhaul. I am talking about a less stressful job,that will enable me to deal with the stress at  home caring for a special needs kid. Time, time to actually have a life style that is active.  Hobbies that do not include cheese.

When I take my daughter to horse back riding at  a program for disabled kids,  I see them the  people that have the life I want. They are beautiful, they ride beautiful horses and wear amazing equestrian attire. They live in Woodside or Athertom and they look pretty damn happy. They are mounting their horses and riding off into the sunset- posting away until they jump over obstacles with ease. I envy them. Healthy and happy affording horses and great functional boots . Do not get me started on polo ponies.

Here is my foolish plan and or fantasy. I am a Mom so it includes my wonderful kid. A life style that makes you want to get out of bed. Forget public school special ed high school days. Right now I think my daughter is in the same boat as me. She rather have a fever than go to school. She takes her own temperature several times a day. When it is normal she says "darn it" or "foofy"  7 hours of special ed  5 days a week is not the life I want for her. They do not get field trips, that is the schools way of dealing with them. It is not right. They change class rooms less so have to sit in the same room longer trying to do algebra when they do not even get the concept of multiplication. I can not bare keeping her in this environment.  A larger school, meaner kids and dreams of  getting a certificate of completion. Not a diploma. She is aware of the fact that she is in special ed she is seeing her "normal friends" that sh has had since first grade grow apart from her. She is aware that she is different. Somebody actually called her a dumb cripple the other day. that kid is lucky I did not cripple her. I am heart broken. I just want to keep her safe   and give her the best possible life

What if we paid off all our bills , came up with a sort of home school or program and educated her by living a richer life in the world? What if I worked less and showed her the world on horse back? What if? A horse can get her to places that a wheel chair can not. She i s taking her lessons and is now riding almost independently. She loves that one hour a week. I think she deserves more than one hour a week of happiness.

These are the fantasies and or dreams that spark the need/desire to pay shit off. With the bills the way they are right now this will remain a dream and she will get her certificate and watch life on TV like a lot of Americans. This is not just about paying off bills or being thin it is about living life to the fullest.  I have to remind myself that every day or I feel deprived and am easily distracted by cookies. When joy comes from consuming and that is the only source of joy it is sad and things need to change. Everything needs to change.

My back is killing me right now. A sort of call to have to sit and think. Think why I started this how I am going to tackle it and how to just live life at its best. I brought my daughter into this world and I feel I owe it to her to show her all it has to offer. I see her drawn to TV and being sedentary. It scares me  for her and for our family we need change. I am not going to be afraid to dream without dreams there is no change.

Ok I am talked into it all over again. the Holidays are a time to give the New Year is a time to give to yourself. Remember your dreams and start a new and try again and again till you find yourself in a place worth getting out of bed for. 

OMG

ON DR OZ RIGHT NOW IS A SKINNY DUDE THAT IS TALKING ABOUT THE LINKS BETWEEN BEING FAT AND BEING IN DEBT.  He wrote a book.......bastard.

He said " save $15 a day by   not eating out and using a bag lunch and breakfast and switching to generic coffee-  a savings of $5K a year plus.
walk 15 min a day to lose 15 pounds in a year- bullshit.
eat fresh it is cheaper than frozen- true dat

Here is what I am doing wrong I am spending a ton on Jenny frozen food and not walking 15 min a day. I am riding my bike and doing yoga and eating less.

He made it all seem so easy- just  read his book make him rich and do 3 things and  all your dreams will come true.  How the hell did he get on the talk show circuit and get an entire book out of 3 basic things that  EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS!!!!!!  Ok buddy what about parties and an increase in meals out during the Holidays? What about peppermint bark???  Does he know about stuffing or left over stuffing turkey gravy sandwiches? Does he know about anything at all? I feel like Lucy on Peanuts or even Charley Brown himself,  yelling this out loud on top of a dog house - Good Grief!!! Oh yhea The Seasons change  buddy and there  is a need for new clothes! does he know that?

Just feeling a bit angry!

Thanksgiving update... 1 week off from work , had a "staycation then off to my brothers. - I did exercise but ate and celebrated up a storm from Mon-Thursday. Meals out and lots of fun.  On Friday I got a hold of myself and got back on track. I almost put the control off to the Monday but was able to make myself get on the scale and it said " bitch what the hell???!!"  So I have been playing make up, had tons of Jenny food because I went away. I delayed my actual weigh day back to Thursdays All is well. Just doing it all and being patient with myself- not really.

I had an emotional breakdown. It is amazing the power a Father has even when he is 83 and fat. My Dad asked me about Yoga he was wondering if it did any good. then he kept bringing up the old battle of the bulge. I was not offended during the exchange. It did hit me in the middle of yoga. I started thinking all that hard work was not doing a damn thing because obviously my Dad thinks I am fat. I started to actually sob right in the middle of standing bow pose. Hard to do even harder when you are tyring not to show that you are crying. It makes my eyes tear up now. This entire thing is emotionally difficult. I question every thing. When I am feel good the number that I weight pops into my head and destroys everything. This month I gained and am surely a loser. Deep down I know it is worth and is doing something  but I am struggling to stay positive and feel ready to cave. Why the hell does it have to be so damn hard?   Why does it it hurt so bad that my Dad thinks I am fat?  I asked my sister about it as she heard and saw the tail end of the conversation when I was actually showing off a few poses. She thinks he might have been asking about it as his Dr. suggested yoga to him.  I felt  that he looked at me and saw no evidence of a yogi girl.

This is not just about looking good and  changing habits it is about self esteem and growing as a person and dealing with the emotional mess that I have created. I want to look into the mirror and like who I see not just what I see.

So I want to be the person who wrote the book with all the answers so far this blog is about asking questions. I want it to be obvious I do yoga. I want my Dad to be proud of me. I want to stop crying.

A little extra for a special time

OK as I am on vacation  last night I was tempted with the nagging call of a  cold bottle of LaCrema rather screaming from the kitchen. My goal is to "be good" for a couple days before the inevitable feast of doom. The voice of the wine was louder than the voice of the IRS worker whom my husband had on speaker phone. Dealing with the IRS (invokes something a little stronger than wine- like ativan and benedryl)  is a little like being a teenager who did something wrong, the parents knew yet continued to toy with the youth before just lowering the boom. They were going over a a financial statement. After being transferred 3 times and put on hold for a total of an hour. Jack was needless to say really trying to hold it together. He fought bravely like Cool Hand Luke( when they broke him) . "yes boss" this and "yes boss" that.  In completing a financial statement they look at what you spend on every basic need they say "what do you spend on your car payment?," you say "$546" they say " you only get $344" the rest is "disposable income" Instead of just saying pay $2000/mo they torture you, the entire time you know what the outcome is you say  just tell me how much!"  Other tid bits  you get more for Internet than you do hair! you get $200/month for clothes! I also do think they realize that gas is $4/gallon. They also wanted to know how much we spent on food. We sort of guessed at $1200 a month! This is before we knew we had to prove it. She laughed and asked if we were on a special diet I chimed in "Just Jenny Craig I am fat." I believe the IRS worker with the East Coast accent laughed .  So this is almost over. If anyone knows of an attorney that  could deal with the SOB's please message me before I jump into the bottle of LaCrema with a mouth full of ativan and benadryl.  JK. I have a goal weight to get to.

Just finished my Jenny French Toast and am enjoying writing and a cup of coffee before I send Elaine off to school and Jack to work. I will then head off to Yoga and try and get my mind off last night. I will "will" the crab fisherman into their boats so that they may bring us some fresh crab. Bastards  are ruining a Thanksgiving tradition for us.The only thing that is close to this in pain is  spare the air days on Christmas. How can you do Christmas without a toasty fire. I am one of the last of a dying breed of environment killers. I hope I do not have to say 'just kidding" i hate those words more than the IRS. Anyhow,   I refuse to eat any crab that comes from Oregon. Anyway then I am taking my sister for her first mani pedi at Silk. She wants to do lunch so I may eat my Jenny prior nad order w salad with dressing on the side. that could be the name of my next band "Dressing on the Side" or " Sciatica!"


Yesterdays Yoga went fine, just fine today I am a bit sore- good.

Oops missed a week

So maybe  on purpose I missed writing last week. It was crazy stressful combined with several meals out and a period that  keeps threatening to come and then does not.  Could this be the first indication of menopause? It sure as hell is not pregnancy.  So this is also the first week since August that I gained -nearly 2 pounds. No worries just Thanksgiving coming up and a "stay cation"  I will stay on program as much as possible, keep moving and keep my fingers crossed. Not exactly how I wanted to go into this week. But it is what it is.

This is scary this is the point where I have given up in the past. A little gain and a Holiday staring at me in the face. I am not. I still see that elusive life of the thin person in my head and have yet to achieve it on a consistent basis. I have moments that seem promising and others that make me feel that I have never been a skinny chick and what is the use.? Then I fit into my skinny jeans and feel on top of the world. "Feelings" that is what I am full of. The stress right now has blinded me too. The care of my daughter has not been this demanding in quite some time. I have had to apply for family leave to get everything done and will be broke. Paying stuff off will be put on hold until the Holidays are over.   I can make payments but I will not make any head way.

Since losing a pound/week takes quite a bit and I have a week  full of meals out and Holiday get togethers I will just try and keep moving. Got one dog out today will get the other one out and go to Yoga later. By the way  I have not gone to Yoga in a couple weeks due to a heel spur acting up, lack of time and other excuses.... I am scared that it will hurt.

So the goal is going to be to stay positive, have a good time, probably not lose a damn thing this week and be OK with it. I am in this for the long hall and this is a vacation for me.  Since I am not going to a fat farm for my vacation I imagine losing this week would be a miracle.  I am going to enjoy it without hurting myself! Happy Holidays! I weigh in on Saturday. The New Year is around the corner and it holds promise  and time to fulfill goals.  I just want to be that active person,  you know the old person in the life insurance  ad smiling while  water skiing and looking good. I also still want to be a rock star !

Got my skinny jeans on bitches!

OK 21 Pounds off!!!!! Like almost 2 pounds gone this week at the  official weigh in and I can not believe it.  8 some odd inches off my waist! Did you know your waist is actually higher than you think!   Low rise jeans has altered people perception of where the waist line is. If I make it,  I mean when I make it to goal weight I might end up being a size 8 in some things ( stretchy things with room for a bust) . maybe because they make things bigger now?? But whatever. got my skinny jeans on today! Wrote a song called "I got my skinny jeans on maybe I will buy a thong  nothing can go wrong because I have my skinny jean on again! " I can wear them out. In my 14's  I was/am  so comfortable but they just looked weird so I tried on the 12's  ( my skinny jeans) I have not worn them in 2 years. They are still a little tight but they always were and I am actually sitting in them right now and I feel alright. Singing my song! Driving the  family nuts!!! Always fun stuff.

So I had $50 gift certificate for Bloomingdale's today and a 20% friends and family discount to use. Jack also gave me $200 fun money. I made sure it was not for food.   I bought a Vince sweater with a fur collar  CASH!  Had to I was maxed out. at Bloomingdale's! Thank god my credit limit is not that high. Whatever I got my skinny jeans on!!! la lal la

Today  was cool- had a Dr's apt,  went to Jenny Craig who by the way has changed her name to "Jenny"  like Cher and Madonna and then went and got one of my bargain massages. It was nice.I had a young man and occasionally he let out a sigh or moan which made me feel uneasy but all in all it was all good.   I then went shopping and on the way home got hit by someone who thought changing lanes was OK if you had your blinker on. She refused to just exchange info and call insurance. Her Corolla was totalled an my GMC Yukon needs a new rim.  She said she was calling her husband.  I said "OK lady" ( instead of lady I think I said "bitch you hit my damn car!" ) then I said  "  Ok you call your husband and I will call mime guaranteed he is more of an asshole than yours"  He is not an asshole but is quite assertive. .  It was weird.  What man would call their wife if the got into an accident. I would not have called mine but I thought they might gang up on me.  I called him - he sent me a plumber  named Todd that works for him and I called the police who actually said "the lady was guilty of driving while Asian" . I did not say it he did.  He then said it happened a lot around here. I told him I liked his boots. He then said I  could not have them. He was a motorcycle cop and his boots were spectacular. I really want a pair. I wonder where they get them?

DISCLAIMER- I AM NOT RACIST THE COP WAS

slipping

I feel it is time to regroup and tighten things up- not just my thighs- little things I notice that I am doing and not doing.  I have gotten a bit lazy. Halloween candy needs to be sent to work. I need  Jto get to the gym and need to get on my bike even if it is cold outside. Jack hit my hand the other day when I was going for a Reese's pumpkin. Not sure if it was his little way of noticing me slip up or if he was just having fun. I am in a groove and know what I need to do and have gotten a bit cocky as I keep losing 1 1/2 pounds a week. I know I need to be a bit more strict if I am going to get more weight off. . I think this week may be the exception the picking and lack of activity will catch up with me.I  have picked and have not really worked out much. I have been making some questionable substitutions like Almond Joy for a milk.... We will see what happens.  I know what I need to do I need to come clean with it and set more goals. 35 more pounds and I will be there .  Part of me feels it is impossible and the other part is still a foolish dreamer. That  is the part of me that still wants to be a rock star with a one women comedy show that tours the world. 

Shopping well I fail! I have paid some stuff off and I am on track to pay down chevron and Paypall but Bloomies and Nordstroms will take some time! I admit it. I shopped and had a blast doing it.  Not shopping and saving $$ is way tougher than dieting. 

Yippee Skippy

I have no idea how or why but I lost another pound this week for a total of 19 lbs! Holy shit. I will not ask questions I will just  keep going. 9 pounds till half way. Paid off my vacation I took earlier in the year and have plans of getting Paypall account paid within 1 month.  That one was actually huge due to rejoining and AORN (a nursing organization) my CEU credit for  certifying as a  nurse in the OR and other nursing BS. It was around $1000 plus Elaine's zoo camp and a couple pairs of special shoes that fit over her braces.  paypall is a nasty little choice made available to us. resist this one my friends it has high interest rates. it pops up everywhere  as a choice of paying too.  The debt is not all shoes! Believe me my closet is not full of designer shoes I just wish it was. Part of the goal is to get rid of credit card debt so I can buy nicer things- cash.

I was watching Fashion Hunters. A pretty cool new show featuring a high end "thrift shop"  One of the girls said 'let go do my 2 favorite things drinking and shopping!" I was like "no way those are my 2 favorite things too!" suddenly I was not all alone.  Ridiculous but worth mentioning.

I have been thinking and thinking about my next hobby. I do not think it is going to be comedy. That really takes too much time in  order to do it right. Maybe when I am on old  old lady. That is the good thing about comedy you can do it at any age. As I write this it pains me to say that so maybe that is not a done deal. I also miss signing. I think I may take a cooking class. In the spring I found a place that teaches  gourmet healthy cooking. Also I am still thinking about horse back riding. It is something I could do with Elaine as she gets better at it. A horse can take you where a wheel chair simply can not. Everyone thinks I am nuts but in my heart I know it could be a great thing for us as a family. If we bought a horse and donated it to the BOK ranch ( where Elaine does therapeutic riding)  they would fee board and shoe it. We would get to ride it whenever they were not using it for lessons and get a tax write off. The problem is we would need 2 that is abut 8K. My goal for this is when she turns 16 just over 2 years. It is a dream I really hope comes true.  It gets us out, together and seeing the world. I want this pretty badly so does Elaine. Her Dad thinks we are crazy. Right now it is just something I can use when she is being uncooperative " come here right now or no horse!"

Not so many challenges this week it should be a good one. Boring but good.

Huddle

Party, sick kid, home bound - totally derailed oh my!  Throughout this entire adventure I have not been off track like the last few days. I got to the point in any diet where you say "f" it  " i screwed up and what the hell I might as well go crazy." I gave in. The good news  is one week of 3 months I do not think is so bad. But if it is a sign for the holidays I am in trouble. Oh Yeah sick kid equals not getting to exercise too.  So cheese and candy mixed with feeling sorry for myself- not a good thing. I do not feel great. I fell off Friday and did not get back on yet. I almost did today but I made meat sauce for the family and got into it a bit and chased it down with left over wine from the party. Ran out of veggies and fruit- never good.

So the good news is I am tired of Halloween candy. I have 3 weeks before TThanksgiving and have not given up. Paid off one bill and overcame the urge to shop!

If this was mass my intention would be " For strength and inspiration Lord hear my prayer!"

How much should I write?

I have noticed that I am better at all of this when I write.  I am torn with writing "good material" and writing for my own growth. It seems when I am just plugging along and doing OK  there is no Funny. Why should this be about "funny"  any way?  Maybe because all the writing classes I have taken were about comedy writing? That seems an easy explanation. I also think about who  is reading this I want it to be fun. So I am now at the point where every entry can not be funny.  The thrill or honeymoon phase is over I am  almost 3 months in and 18 pounds lighter. I have paid a significant amount in debt but have also back slid a little in the shopping arena. Not shopping is harder than not eating!

Maybe this should not be about the "nots" and be about  "doing" but "doing" something else! Lost you?? I mean horse back riding instead of buying leather and eating steak. Horses instead of cows! I love farm animals analogies. Walking the dog instead of cuddling with them.  Buying veggies and fruit instead of over sized sweaters. Actually going whale watching instead of watching Whale wars on TV.  I could do more of these but I think you get the jist.

 I spoke about breath holding and drowning in other attempts at change. Walking on a tight rope not giving myself a whole lot of room for error. In the long run I land on my ass in the center ring only no one really notices. the circus tent  is empty I am hurt and there is no one there to help.  OK I am now depressed.  I have 40 or 45 more pounds to go maybe 50 if I want to go 24 year old bride or for that matter  27 year old divorced girl. I weighed the same at the beginning and end of marriage number 1. Interesting. 

Today I am having a Haloween party. I am dressing as a Irish Good Luck Charm.. Oddly enough I am serving all Italian food.  Got my sauce going. Usually at one of our parties I do not eat enough and am always chasing my wine glass. Usually  by the end of the night  I will have one in each room. Cleaning and cooking  and nervous energy, I am not too worried about today. However I have created a goal. Hydrate like crazy, actually have a meal and not graze and get back on track immediately Sunday. This cannot go 2 days!

My heel spur is killing me when it subsides I will had back to Yoga. Being barefoot kills.

Feelings wo wo wo feelings!

8 am- it is my day off and I weigh in at 9:20. It was a good week  Hoping for 1 1/5 off. Looking back I have lost every week except for one which reflected my monthly cycle. I should be proud of myself but I  am getting caught up in what I should weigh.  I just want to get there already! I think the official weigh in will get me to a 19 pound loss. 40 or 50 to go depending on many factors.   I am  still OK with the food and have weekend dinners on my own, I have had "cheat" days and  I am stronger due to Yoga. This week I was actually short on Yoga. Check out why it is ridiculous. We have a street legal golf cart I take that to the 4:30 Yoga class and  then jam to get to Elaine's school to pick her up before they call CPS. This week the golf cart has the job for holding parking in front of our house as my real vehicle is tethered to our old ass boat that got evicted from it's place on pier 38. (the city is reclaiming lots of land for the US sailing open) Now it is on the street and  it has to be moved every 3 days so it does not get towed. We had a neighbor call in on us and  we have been evading the damn parking pigs ever since. Parking in our neighborhood is tough and we have to have a place in front of the house for Jacks plumbing van when he gets home. So  while on foot I cannot get to Yoga and then get Elaine before CPS is called.  I would have to run and ruin my Yoga zen. Plus after Yoga I do noting too fast because I am tired.  Instead I have been walking to get her and taking the dogs with me for a walk. How about that excuse. Pretty brilliant!

OK- back did sometinhg STUPID I drank 2 huge cups of coffee before I weighed. nOt sure why maybe I am tired of sweating this so much. I still lost 1 pound for a total of 18 or so pounds gone. Also paid off "pay later.com" NOW!   One down several to go!

Planning a party for Saturday. the game plan stick to my plan every meal this week except Saturday night! that is the plan. Also get to Yoga this week and continue 40 to go.

Weigh day!

Add another  pound gone for a total of 17 LB! My coat was a little loser and I feel pretty dang good.

Yesterday I got home from work and again searched for excuses not to work out. I was tired, I could do it Thursday blah blah blah. I called Jack and he encouraged me. I put my clothes and immediately felt like going. This technique has worked for me in the past. This combined with a run in with some of my very favorite candly made by a coworker pointed me in one direction- Yoga.
 Last night in Yoga I had a teacher I have never had. A young man boy who seemed to be quite irritated with some girls that actually talked during class, then one had the nerve to leave in the middle for a break from the heat. These are strict no no's in Yoga.  When someone leaves the room you can expect a comment from the teacher.  Some are more positive then others. Some of the teachers get pretty pissed off. This does not help matters when you are trying to be zen like. The entire class was a bit like "Simon Says"  He says " take a deep breath, inhale your arms above your head , place hands in prayer and take a giants step forward with your right leg and charge forward into a giant "t"" If you took a step a second early he would get mad and say something rather mean like "it is not yoga if we do not do  it together" Whatever. H reminded me a little of  Kevin Bacon in Animal House shouting "All is well in the riot scene"   He got mad if you moved before he told you too. It is hard sometimes to go at the slow deliberate  pace they ask of you. It is 26 poses - always the same ones. You get to know the moves and can anticipate the next move. Sometimes I go over them in my head before we do them  I am like " 1/2 tortoise, camel, rabbit head to knee twist breath and we are out of here!"  Well I began my Yoga sit up before he told us to move and got scolded, I felt like saying at least I did not talk or leave the room. I thought he might yell " I did not say "Simon Says"  you are out!"   So felt strong but it was weird. In the end I am glad I went. I was tired but strong.  I also think they cleaned because it was not as stinky as last time.

More of the same bike, yoga and Jenny Craig. Jack is now a licensed contractor so a celebration is in order too! 

A note about shopping... Avoiding all the sales being thrust at me.  Shop at Bloomingdale's right now and you could also help them raise money for breast cancer. Clever clever clever Bloomingdale's if the promo code PINK11 (for 20% off)  worked for  new Uggs they would have had me but it did not so no Uggs for me!

I am still alive and losing

Just a note to check in. I am alive and well. I have gotten into a routine that seems to work and yield 1 - 1 1/2 pounds off per week.  I feel good but it is certainly slow.  I have lost 16 pounds in 10 weeks.   PMS  has given me the blues. I am also in the mood to eat! Had a run in with some Halloween candy yesterday! Oops.  Had misplaced my  bike helmet and my brakes on my bike went out so I missed 1 day of riding this week. I will ride  with no brakes or no helmet every once and a while but I refuse to ride with no brakes or helmet at the same time. If I have no brakes I want my helmet!    Jack fixed the brakes and found the helmet. Thanks Jack!

Today I got extremely irritated with an article that featured  a young male athletic trainer who was purposely gaining weight to then go ahead and lose it to show how easy it is to lose. If he had a sex change and a time machine to age him and then he conducted this experiment  I might buy his findings.I feel like putting  the little bastard over my knee and whacking the hell out of him.  " how dare you even pretend to be in my shoes!" There is no way we would have the same experience and I  hate him. 


As for debt that is slow too. I am over my shopping set back and will just keep trying. 

I feel the need to make this funny but do not feel funny right now. So sorry! I  did not have much to say today but felt I had to check in. I had a mellow weekend. the weather was amazing but the fog is back and it is a bummer. One thing I can not wait for is my favorite day of the year - when we get that hour back from day light savings. I am riding my bike through the park at 6 am and looking at stars.   It seems wrong.

I may wish on one of those stars and my wish would be  to accomplish this goal and move on.

The Gift of Time

Got off work early - got to work out-  Hot Yoga.. Hottest day ever in the Richmond District too  and it was hard.  I longed for sips of fog. It was not quite as hard as my last work out when I was so tired. Just hot. I was a little wobbly but strong.  I was probably the oldest person there. I remember  always being the youngest , strange feeling.  The teacher kept trying to make jokes and  when his "jokes" were met with silence he kept saying "tough crowd!" Not sure that having an open mic in the middle of a Yoga class is a good idea. Maybe if he started picking on people it might get interesting.  He could be like " hey you fatty don't give up if your boob was smaller you could get your head on your knee, just push it to the side and stretch!!!!" or  he could act like  the drill Sargent from the movie  Full Metal Jacket." shouting "are you a steer or a queer?"  I would heckle back saying "this is my Yoga mat there is no other mat like it, it is my own ..." You get the picture  That might be funny. It was just a strange forum for jokes. I like it when Priests crack jokes in Church, I think some Dr's can get away with them if they have good timing and I would not mind if a cop made a joke when they pulled me over. I guess if he told jokes that were funny it could have been another story. I did not even realize he was trying to be funny as many of the things they say in sincerity I find hilarious.  It just sort of took me back to some bad open mic comedy nights of my own!

Got home from class took a shower and put on some shorts that were size XL and ridiculously huge on me. They look like the  pants in an 'after" shot that  the newly thin person is holding up. They will be mine. I  have to start putting pictures up on this. I will. Stay tuned for pictures of the shorts, transformed Jenny Craig food and my boots!   Maybe I could sneak a camera into Yoga!

 Also when I got home I was STARVING. I took the weight loss counselor advise and had a lean protein high fiber 1/2 a sandwich and it helped. These hot SF days are tough not to make a Margarita .  We do not get too many of these days.  "Skinny Girl Margarita's " kept coming into my head during class maybe that is why I did not get his "jokes"

The scale for the past 2 days has shown good progress.  I have to weigh in Thursday at 4:20 (  for the pot heads I said 4:20 haha)  I always weigh in the morning. I hope I get credit for all my work or actually luck because last  weekend was bad!

Really short!

The Ralph Lauren Riding Boots are amazing ( a little big) but perfect and I am keeping them.  I am not perfect but these boots are.

Scale was promising today. No damage done this weekend, weird.  Maybe I was not that bad.   I plan on eating my Jenny food and be perfect for the next 2 days then weigh in officially.This is a change I will weigh in in the afternoon. I have some scale rules. Try not to weigh in the afternoon, wearing clothes or after drinking any water. Time to ditch the eating disorder and see  what I weigh in the afternoon. This really scares me. I might have to get naked!

I am home right now because my daughter is sick again. I plan on taking care of her and organizing my closet and drawers.  I might try on my skinny jeans or on second thought  I am not ready for this! There is a weight  they work and I am not at it yet.  Next weekend I am going to try and not party. I am not going to "breath hold" I will plan some activities that will not mess with my goals.  I have noting planned except I am on call at eh hospital on  Friday and Sunday so I just have to get through Saturday. Watch it be the day Jack's Contractors licence comes. Champagne waiting for that moment.  In that case i will be powerless! We are on the home stretch with dealing with the stupid IRS and I find out soon if I get the decreased stress job. Decreasing the stress of these two items will help me get to my goals. This is how I see things when I am 50 ( in 3 1/2 years) out of major debt, working less and enjoying some sort of activity like performing or horse back riding. Or performing on horseback. I am still trying to figure that part out. Oh yhea I will be thin,

Fun weekend...

Going to weigh in on Thursday.  Mentally  incapable of weighing in today. This weekend I learned I can prepare for a party by working out before and eating properly the day of the event but there is the chance everything will go to hell the following day.  Short on "Jenny"  food and an impromptu drive down the coast proved challenging and I failed.  Being in a car,  rather hungry and very tired (ie hung over)  with  beef jerky, sunflower seeds, Dibs and chips available proved to be  too much for me. I munched out  Oops! The first real munchy mess up I have had. It was counteracted by a trip to a farmers market where we bought some fresh chard and artichokes and our Halloween pumpkins.  I did resist the temptation  and healing powers of a Bloody Mary. The scale was not too punishing this morning but I do feel bad.  Trying to look at the positives,  dinner  was lean meat our fresh veggies and a potato.  I took a few breaks from Jenny Craig food this weekend. I made some mistakes but recovered.  This is going to be a long journey if I am doing it a pound at a time I need to know I am human and will venture off my path from time to time.   The moment I feel deprived is the moment I give up. So I am not going to beat  myself up every weekend. I am going to just keep trying.   I am not ready to quit!   Today I have been an "A" student. I have to stay in today. Today is good. Weird how I am starting to like Mondays.

I got to yoga 4 times last week and road my bike 3 times. The final work out was tough. Everything hurt and I heard groans  coming from someone in class that echoed how I felt. It was comic relief and comforting that I was not alone in my pain and suffering.  I sort of felt like someone in a cell that could hear the echos of a fellow inmate  crying in a distant cell. I wanted to call out "My name is Mary how long have you been imprisoned here?" Then I heard the sound of a very chronic horrible sounding cough. I located the source of the cough  and noticed I was not the only one horrified with the possibility of being contaminated with pertussis or TB.  A few others shifted their focus to the old Asian  coughing man. Probably a recovered smoker trying to live a healthier life but a little too late. The room air is hot and thick you have to breath through your nose the entire time and sometimes this is unbearable, it stinks like a room full of sweaty Yogis pourng off sweat like Niagara falls because it is!.  All that breathing with someone that is sick takes away from the zen. The carpet was saturated with sweat when I  got there. So you do not just get to smell your fellow Yogis you get the class prior and maybe the one before that too. Maybe a call to the health department is in order.   I tried hard to stay on my mat.! Like if I  stepped off I would go into lava or get eaten by an alligator.  I was a bit grossed out in Yoga and I hurt.  Not  the best class and I took a lot of breaks.  I was not flexible and tired fast.  My mind wondered more than usual.  Taking a 2 day break to recharge the batteries. 

I am full force eating right today.  Here is one problem with being on a diet like Jenny Craig. If you eat your own food or  eat out you can be lead to feel bad about it. I am going to look at it as the inevitable. Not going to eat the food forever. They have maintenance program that guides you through  the transition to real food. I sure hope I make it.

Boots to arrive today! Buyers remorse sort of setting in. They may go back unless they make me feel good inside and out! It is weird how clothes can make a women "feel" I was watching "What not to Wear" and got to thinking about how one is to dress fashionably and be put together in a way to accentuate your best features in an age appropriate way without breaking the bank and without getting caught up with  designers. It is hard. I think the perfect garment or outfit would be made of quality fabric not made  in China (good luck with finding that) , timeless and fit correctly. You would have a  timeless look that shows you are sophisticated  confident and sexy.  I have been known to buy random pieces simply because they were a size I would feel good about wearing.  Consequently, putting together an cohesive look gets lost sometimes. I try and mix and match clothes that I bought because of what size they were .  The hard part of my quest to lose weight and pay off debt  is that buying new clothes is fun as you get smaller. It is also necessary when things get too big. I think I have plenty to pick through and maybe a  journey with a discerning eye through my  closet is in order.  

Elaine has another fever pray for her.

Befroe and after Yoga and weigh in

Going to write before and after Yoga. Right now is the before and I am feeling a high level of anxiety associated with the stupid IRS, a possible job change and a basic lack of interest in most everything. I think I am depressed or I had a real weird reaction to my flu shot. I am looking forward to Yoga but feel a bit disinterested in most everything. I think this is the the mid life crisis part. I feel that I do not have anything to look forward to (except the arrival of my new boots)  On the other hand,  I do not feel like planning anything either! When I was a kid and felt this way I would bake. Not an option with the current life style I am trying. I also feel that the scale is failing to tell me what I want to hear when I want to hear it and like most things that do not go my way it really bugs me. I am trying so hard and following the rules I should get a big pay off. But it is painfully slow. This is not helping right now in fact I feel a bit worse. I will work out, pick  up the kid and have dinner and get back to you... what will the outcome be? Thursday is weigh day too and I have no idea how that will go.

... Post work out- bottom line I feel better. The nature of Yoga is as total body mind soul work out. It is an old practice and it works. I pushed stressful thoughts away or "stuffed" them  somewhere or I accepted things for what they are.  In the scope of things  I do not feel anxious. Except for the fact Thursday is weigh day!

I arrived at class early and went to the middle row. Until now I was purely a back row  Yogi not really feeling I fit in with the defined muscle scantily clad youngster. I usually hang with the new folks near the window or door.  It gets hot and any chance of getting  a  burst of foggy air is welcomed. For some reason  I decided  I graduated   to the middle row and took my place amongst the Yogi's.  Well I got got there first and "meditated" and when I  woke up ( I actually fell  asleep lying on the floor) there I was submerged amongst fit people of varying ages and stages of life. I  stood up straight and paid attention to my breath and went hard until I thought I was going to  barf! Then I pulled back a little. Barfing might mess with the zen like mood in the room. Then I started thinking- never good. I wondered if anyone has ever vomited in class.  Then I remembered my brother  tossing his cookies at a track meet after eating an entire package of red licorice. It could  happen, then I got a be paranoid. It was at that point I noticed that the girl who was usually in front of me was in the back row. I wondered if she judged me for taking  her place. If she thought I was foolish and if she was scoffing at my  poses. It was weird. I bet she felt known of it.   Then I really tried to read her tattoos but the light was too dim and my head was upside down looking through my legs at her  tattooed covered flank. All words written in cursive and  none readable. Maybe it said if you are reading this tattoo you are too close. I don't know but all of this helped me forget about the worries of the day. In the end I did fine and did not vomit.

... It is now Thursday AM and I am "pre" weigh in. I do not want to eat  or drink a thing. A throw back to my eating disorder minutes in high school. I never made it very long. In fact,  my stomach just started growling. It is a finely tuned machine. At work we get "relieved" for meals usually by the same folks. I salivate when I see them. Proof Pavlov was onto something.

I will write a bit more after I go see Jenny Craig- still not sick of the food. It is making me buy and prepare veggies and fruit. It is keeping me on a schedule and it is easy.  I am losing about 1 pound  a week now. The 2-3 pound weeks are behind me. It is slow but I feel good and I am getting toned.

... Back and as predicted I lost another pound  for a 15  pound total!  When I complained about how long this was taking  and pointed out I used to be able to lose 5 pounds in a week she said  "well honey you are not getting any younger." A stupid thing to say to say when you are also trying to sell them something. My weight loss counselor has made a career out of  weight loss. She has worked at just about as many different things I have tried. We are a good match. She sells and I resist the urge to buy.

Next week I coordinated my day off with the school schedule I now  have Monday off for Indigenous People  Day. It used to be Columbus Day- the school district took his day and gave it to the native AAmericans. I wonder if they even know. Maybe  in celebration there are casino deals.  Any how this means I will weigh in on Monday and be short my "make up days."  Yoga Yoga Yoga and 1 party on Saturday night!  

I am Woman!

The weekend went well. I see a cycle of consuming more on the weekends and then getting back to business on Monday. I think  this is normal. What I really hope to accomplish is being more active on the weekends. I wish instead of taxi cab driver for the kid who gets to play basketball and horse back ride I got to as well. Attention all taxi cab driver Moms lets shoot some hoops! I did find a yoga class in Berkeley ( it wasn't hard)  that I can do when I drop her off at her gym. I am going to try it Saturday.  I am trying to think of another hobby too I may learn to knit. I tried needle point but no shit I broke the needle several times.

Today I road my bike to work and did yoga prior to picking up the kid and cooking dinner. I am sitting here in wet yoga clothes about to get into a nice tub and relax. I  have to brag that today I put my forehead on the ground today while in a standing position. I tried to brag this to the husband and he seemed impressed? Whatever! I had the gay Jesus teacher only with shorter hair today. He was my first teacher and  I have always felt a sort of bond to him. Kind of like "imprinting" I cam out of the egg and saw him and he will forever be my yoga dad. Probably something I should  have kept to myself as I think I scared poor gay Jesus.  He was noticeably happy for my new trick too! I got to tell you that I feel so much stronger. This yoga stuff works well. Doing it in the danger hours of 430-6 is a fantastic way of staying out of the kitchen too. You do not exactly crave crappy food after working out. I made an arugula salad with some sort of hummus citrus dressing ,  broth sauteed mushrooms in  pepper lemon topped with Jenny Craig Classico Chicken Parmesean. It rocked. 

For my reward I bought 3 one hour massages at Living Social for $99 I will write about it in detail once I get it done. They are scheduled for Nov Dec and Jan.  As for my boots they arrive next week. I just got a bonus at work that I totally forgot about so all is well. Yes nurses get bonus' for hitting goals.  My coworkers hit their goal by good hand washing!  I think?

So I shopped!

So I shopped,  the excuse or shall I say "trigger" was getting stuck  in the house for 4 days while Elaine recovered from a kidney infection.  I bought the damn boots!  Dark brown Ralph Lauren riding boots. Amazing boots that will last a life time. Timeless but I sure as hell did not pay cash.   First I  reached out,  I  called and text a few family members with varying responses. My brother said, "Buy one"  My mistake was allowing myself to  "just look" I looked and looked and became obsessed with the damn things. I thought about them in Yoga, I talked about them  to people at work, they were in and out of my basket 100 times. Keep in mind I have already bought and returned 2 others pairs I thought were perfect. If I do not love them - they go back. I tried to  look at them in the store but they are not available on the west coast. Then I realized they were no longer available in black. Surely they were going to go away. Once I completed the transaction    I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt free. I had a physiological response of pure joy almost like an orgasm ( I really like to shop)  Weird- nope, after all I am a junky! I got my fix. A big one,  one if it were drugs could cause an overdose ! But with the ability to rationalize most anything  free shipping  and 20% off with free returns  I could not resist their  gravitational pull any longer. So I can return them when buyers remorse hits. Or not.  Since I started this blog this was my first big  shopping "oops"  I  know for a fact that when I get stir crazy I go a bit crazy in an attempt to be somewhere else. I guess. I am sure there is some sort of diagnosis for my neurosis.  It will require a restructure of my payment plan but I think it should not hurt me too much.  In the mean time I have not  "cheated" on my diet at all.

Until I f'up again...

PS- Elaine is much better, fever is gone and we have her on the proper antibiotics. Monday we will back in the grind all over again

Inch by Inch

As evidenced by a decreased scrub size I was also  validated by  measurements at my weekly check in, a total of 9 1/2 inches gone! 2 on the bust 4.5  on the waist and  3 on the lower abs ( I call fl'abs)  my ass stayed the same. The weight loss counselor praised me and gave me a little congrats card. She ran out to get it with excitement and I was hoping for a big ticket item but the card was nice.  14 pounds gone. Last week presented many food challenges. Celebrations combined with being plain tired and having a sick kid all came about in the same week. I lost about a pound. This is sooooo slow but I can not argue with the fact I feel better. Maybe the slower it comes off the more likely it will stay off.  I am going to hit it hard this week and pray the weekend does not slip me up. There is nothing planned so I should be OK. As long as I do not get too bored or tired or feel the urge to celebrate something I will be OK.  A baseball season that is over for my team proves to be good for my waist line.  Football  now! The 49ers are 2 and 1, after years of pain with those bozos I look forward to celebrating a winning football team. There are way less games it should not mess with weight loss. 

My weight loss counselor today suggested that soon I will be able to buy new clothes.  She got my attention on this for sure. What great motivation but  how dangerous for my other goal of decreasing debt. She said to either get rid of the clothes I own now or get them altered but not to keep fat clothes. I am down with that.   Out with the old in with the new. Expensive clothes that are too big will get altered the rest will go to good will. The new clothes I buy will be by cash! This could get difficult and the thought of shopping makes my hunger pangs wain. I hear Paris Hilton stays thin because the amount of  shopping she does serves as exercise. I have to remind myself that I do not earn her paycheck.  I earn the paycheck of someone who has a good job who chooses not to work too much!  I wish you could apply for the Paris Hilton and or  Kim Kardashian type job, I surely would and laugh all the way to Gucci.

Fact I learned today,  for every pound of muscle  you gain you increase your metabolism by 50 calories. In how long I have no clue.  Is that 50/hr or 50 a day??? I am going to read about this and bananas. Several people have told me banana are bad for weight loss and that you could actually gain if you eat too many of them. This sounds stupid to me so I am going to read about muscle/metabolism and bananas today. I'll get back to you.

"Jonesing for boots"

Got the call yesterday at work- the kid has a fever. This is where the routine goes out the window. No bike, no work,  no yoga,  just sedentary life with stress and an all too  accessible  credit card computer and kitchen. I want to shop! I really do!  With the temptation of "friends and family" Bloomingdale's discounts, mid day dash offers  at N.M. and popups  do I stand a chance?   I will admit I have looked at lots of shoes today. I do have a $25 certificate for Bloomingdale's and a gift card to Nordstrom but I want to use them in the store and try stuff on.   I do not want to use them now.  They are sitting right in front of me right now and I reserve the right to use them should this go on for a few days. Why the hell do I still want to buy something? Is  it a reward or something to just make this a better day?  Just something to make things better. Managed to stay out of kitchen but my true test will be in the evening. I cheated a little last night.  I am going to try and get to Yoga when Jack comes home but who the hell  knows when that is going to be.  This is where writing about it will help.

On a happy note, yesterday was the day that people noticed  I had lost some weight and that was while I was wearing scrubs.I now wear a large scrub instead of extra large. I can not wait to have my measurements done on Thursday. I had to cancel my massage appointment because Elaine is sick. I will not use this as an excuse to buy those damn boots that continue to sit in my basket even though I can get them for 20% off right now! Jonesing! I almost bought them but looked at my chart and realized it would ruin it one month into the entire thing started. I have to be stronger than that.

Things I can do in between taking temperatures and talking with Doctors.... I can clean, write, stretch at home,  talk on the phone, watch TV or read. I do have all  the Fall line catalogues I can look at them all again. I could play my guitar after I dust it off.  I could look at old comedy videos and wonder if that will ever happen again, I could brush the dogs, I could shop- no not shop,  I could eat for no reason - no not eat.

Good lord help me.

I am Yogi "Mar"

Here it is Sunday morning and I feel pretty good. Put my Yoga clothes on and ate a light breakfast will hit up the 11:30  yoga class and sweat it out. I am feeling  and looking a a bit better than the scale tells me I should. I guess this is a benefit and curse of exercise. I am told that this is true of the beginning of any program. I am at the beginning, I need to remind my self of this. Writing about it every day makes it seem like I should be further into all of this. I am inpatient, I  know this, it has always been my tragic flaw.  But with building muscle and losing fat the scale may not show dramatic lose every week. Thursday I will get measured and it will show all my hard work. It better or I will have to seriously look at my approach to all of this.

 Went to the House of Prime Rib last night and all I could tell the waiter when he checked in with us was that I have been eating mostly Jenny Craig for 7 weeks and I was in beef heaven. Good times with good people. I am thankful for my friends and family. I am not going to feel bad about this I refuse. It was planned it is life and I did not eat till wanting to die.
Saturday was stolen from me. My plans went to the side when some of my daughter's friends came over. We did have fun I brought them out to get their nails done but due to having to switch around some "care giving tasks I was unable to get to the yoga studio. I will go today and I am afraid of how it will go because I am still tired and probably a bit dehydrated. I will go anyway and just do the best I can.


... Just got back from class. I was the strongest I have ever been! I made the commitment to myself at the beginning of class that I would just do exactly as the instructor said and get my mind off my back knees and little head ache. I concentrated and focused on making small adjustments to the poses and felt amazing. Maybe Prime Rib is good for Yoga!  My "cob webs" of tiredness from a big night out were gone within 3 poses. I did every single pose to the best of my ability and was not looking around at the poor folks I love to comment on! I was doing it I was a Yogi today.  I did not cling to my water bottle for security or need to take any breaks. I tried to make my transitions fluid and did not fuss with my hair or clothes. I paid attention to my breath and I tried not to be bothered with the sweat in my eyes.  I talked a little to instructor after and told her how strong I felt. She said I did well and looked happy about it. I probably had  a big stupid smile on my face. I loved my Yoga today.

So I know that Jenny Craig is not the answer to a life time spent at goal weight ( once I get there)  they have a maintenance program that includes eating real food. I have to keep my mind on that goal. The structure of the portion control and the routine of eating this way needs to reprogram my mind. Giving myself 1-2 meals on my own does help too and it is with the blessing of the weight loss counselor. I like some of the things that weight watchers offers- activity points , extra points,  fitting  in being social  (drinking) in to the program but I am not strong enough for this right yet. I am the Queen of rationalizing things so right now I will commit to continuing Jenny Craig. Not sure why it is coming off so slowly but I will continue. I do not think I will write every day. I will just write when I have something to say.  If the scale on Thursday does not show at lest 2 pounds I am going to have to look at the weekends and figure something else out of I will not hit goal in the spring.

A Little Summary- Weigh Day!

So in  7 weeks 13 pounds gone! After carefully calculated weekends that allow partying , a gradual increase in exercising and  not giving up 1/2 and 1/2 in my coffee I am still losing! Debt reduction is slow and steady too. No charge cards used for anything in 7 weeks. This part is a little less exciting to talk about.

The increase in activity- biking to work more religiously and Yoga 3-4 times , Jenny Craig food for 7 breakfasts , 7 lunches, 5-6 dinners with 1-2 nights of "cheating" and all is well. The Yoga is making me hungry though so today we took a look at my activity and the weight loss counselor said " you should probably be at 1700 cal/day you should  be eating like a man."  This little piece of advise both cracks me up and scares me at the same time. First, the only difference between 1500 and 1700 is 1/2 a sandwich to be eaten between lunch and dinner.I can not translate this to - EAT MORE.  It is 1 fat 2 proteins and a carb. Not that much but if done on days I am not working out she warned I may gain weight. This brings me to the things I do not tell her like the 1/2 and 1/2 in my coffee, the fat free tapioca instead of milk the extra light whipping cream ( a limited free item)  I put on everything.  I also use more olive oil on my dinner time veggies than I am suppose to . I will eat something  if I am starving,  not part of the routine and not on days that are not active. I will concentrate on the little things  too this week from taking the stairs to changing to  low fat milk in my coffee. I guess I am fine tuning. Things I was unwilling to do I will try.

I have a plan for increasing the stairs. Just changing my morning  routine gives me 20 extra flights of stairs /week. Here is how it will work. I will go up one flight to the Pete's Coffee in the hospital, get my coffee and then walk up to the 5th floor to my locker room and then walk back down 1 flight of stairs to the OR.  It breaks up the 5 flight hike and makes it seem easier. I also get a little reward- my coffee which will now have low fat milk instead of cream. I just need my knees to cooperate. They should be warmed up as I will have just done a 20 bike ride.  Note to self bring deodorant to work.

This may sound gross but it is hard to talk about weight loss without addressing the effects of constipation. It can be a factor that makes the entire process absolutely frustrating. Today after I weighed I came home and nature called - I almost went back for a "do over!" weigh in.!! This is part of the "kookiness"  of living on a program where you really are results driven. I witnessed a fellow kook today at JC., actually 2. One was a weight loss counselor that I really do not know who confessed to me that she ate out every night this week, refuses to weigh in this week  but gained 3 pounds. Well if she refuses to weigh how does she know she gained exactly 3 pounds? See this will make you a bit crazy.  It is the official weigh in that we hold so important. You could go home and poop and weigh in less  and somehow it does not count. The other fellow kooky  lady was older and at goal weight. I will admit I search for the lightest clothes I own to wear on  "weigh in" day.  Today I froze my tush off in the parking lot! This lady  brought it to a new level, she did a strip tease in the waiting room until she was basically in a bathing suit. She than was asking about one of the scales they sell that can give a body fat percentage as well as water weight analysis.  It also gives you your weight and horoscope (not really but it should) . Seems cool but all these extra tid bits of information,  this micromanaging can make you a bit nuts. I know I used to have one of these scales. . After they went through all the healthy  ranges of fat and water. The lady seemed confused. She said I think my body fat is 48%. I did pop in and object, after all she was standing there in a bathing suit and there was no way she was over 30%  She then was asking about the all important water component and the counselor told her to just make sure her urine was clear. It should actually be more like lemonade, I almost interrupted again  but decided the lady was not all there and decided to let it go. She asked all kinds of questions it was obviously her first diet.

So all the factors that go into simply losing 1 pound can make one nuts. I know I am! but 13  (probably more) pounds less nuts. Now I want nuts! TTFN  The plan for today and Friday Yoga , bike Jenny Craig. Saturday Yoga before the House of Prime Rib. J

everything is GREAT!

Tuesday was  my 14 year wedding  anniversary. No need to celebrate with excess gifts and food. Watching the Giants game as a family, me doing Yoga, getting creative with JC food and Jack getting to golf -makes everyone happy.  Saturday will be House of Prime Rib so really no need to celebrate twice. In the past I would have for sure celebrated both days.   The scale was WAY better today. I know I am not suppose to weigh every day but when I  know it is gonna reflect water  weight getting in balance  well I just can not help it.

... Now Wednesday, all is well.  yesterday I got to go toYoga, celebrated my anniversary and watched the Giants lose.   Had a nice eve without hurting myself or others! Jack brought home wine, flowers and a gift. I wanted a glass of wine but did not want the calories if the Giants were not going to win for sure.!  He said I jinxed them.  I swear I gained a ton last year from clinching the playoffs, the plays offs and winning the World Series. Every time I turned around we were celebrating something. So in a really weird way I want baseball season to end. At least with football there are not so many games.

   Yoga was interesting. It was a hot day in S.F. making the Yoga studio hotter than usual. Most folks are smarter than me and were probably at the beach. Me and a few old dudes sweat it out together.  I went over CPR in my head as I meditated and wondered what old man would go down first and if 2 went down at the same time who I would help?  I worked hard and showed progress but pushed to the point where I really was unable to do the last pose. My back, once again speaking up rather sternly in German , warned me to slow down - so I did.

The scale "winked" at me this morning with a little smile and I am hoping it will show a 2-3 pound on Thursday at JC. So despite 3 days of play all could be well!  I am a little excited.

Shopping update- still have those damn Ralph Lauren boots in my Bloomingdale's basket! I just look at them every once in a while. Jack gave me a Nordstrom gift card and did not tell me how much it is for. It is unmarked. So when I do hit up Nordstroms I will first ask someone to tell me how much it is for before I get to the check out counter. I could see myself thinking it was for $500 (it could happen) and it be for $100 and be too embarrassed to put things back. I did this once with a prime rib. It just looked so good and I did not bother to look at the price and almost dropped dead at the check out counter but bought it anyway.  $100 prime rib for 2! It would be too embarrassing to say "oh shit- I can not afford that can I exchange it for hamburger?" 

Thanks God it's Monday?

Never thought I would say   "Thank God for Monday! Seems if I think really hard there were some positives to be made from this weekend.  When I got on the scale Saturday morning it showed the weight I lost over the week- 3 lb dip!  There were many positives. Spent time with family and had a wonderful time.Brought healthy food and got through the buffet with making good choices. I brought the Skinny Girl Margarita too.  Despite planning some things on Sunday and Friday night just got away from me.  I am going to try and stay positive, so instead of a blog filled with guilt and confessions I will describe some of the things that went right! So you may infer there were lots of things that went wrong. 

First Let me explain about "Enright" parties. They usually last 2 days  My family is more of a Fraternity. Sigma Kappa Enright!  You would think people in their 40's 50's 60' 70's and 80's would settle down. This is not the case. My 83 year old Dad was cutting a rug and drinking Manhattans till about 1 am.  Going into this with the notion of "dieting" may have been foolish. At one point I saw my 13 year old with the microphone (there was  DJ!)  she was wearing a fur cheetah cowboy hat sun glasses and singing along with the Black Eyed Peas. It was a proud moment for me  The next day 6 of us were in the pool by 8:30AM floating and eating grapes.  hydrating together!   I am going to make up my mind to just move on and be grateful for the time with my family.  Worked off some calories dancing too! In fact, the Metalica medley at the end of the night has rendered my neck stiff, my heel spur has flared up and the hip hop numbers  made me feel like someone hopped on my hip. Seriously in pain!

A little about hydration. the extreme water loss in Bikram Yoga combined with the water loss from alcohol creates a situation in the following days  of extreme water retention. I am talking a 5 pound difference from Saturday morning after Yoga to Monday.  I know it is water but it is a bit of a let down. Lots of water today should help.- will help.  5 Lb  of fat would be an excess of 17500 calories and that did not happen. The biggest mistake was lunch on Sunday and then trying to makeup for all of it by skipping Sunday dinner and getting too hungry. Jack ordered Chinese food and I ate some of that without really paying attention from the cartons while standing at the kitchen counter thinking, I would just start over Monday.  Stupid but I am not in this position because of my brilliance with food choices.
Today I was asked "why I was so obsessed with weight loss?"  I think the answer is I have never been at home in my own skin. When I was a kid I was always a few pounds heavier than my best friend. My Brother teased me a lot and I had the nick name Mary Pat the Fat Brat. "Thin" periods in my  life were short. I guess I am also on a quest for control. I have noticed that every time my daughter goes into the hospital ( average 2 weeks a year for the first 10 years) I went on a diet. I really believe this is a brain problem not a stomach problem. I think that is why people who have gastric bypasses gain weight back. When they have brain surgery for weight loss I may be a candidate.

Back on my bike today eating right and drinking water in order to rehydrate. Still hopeful! Not giving up but getting a little tired of the weekends screwing everything up. Do not see any way around them.  The next few are going to be tough. We will see what happens! 

Had to Share

OK I was not going to write until after the "big" party but I have to sharer my morning. Woke up tired with about 9 excuses not to do Yoga. I said to myself "I'll just put the Yoga clothes on maybe that will inspire me." It  did, I did go to class with the notion of just taking breaks if it was too painful. I was smart and took some ibuprofen ( for the cramps) and ate a lite JC breakfast an hour and 1/2  before class. I was doing the right things and started to feel good about myself despite eating pizza last night (that is another story)  I arrived early and acclimated to the heat for 15 min or so. I took my place in the back row and meditated and reassured myself that if I felt like I was going to die I would just sit down.  Oddly enough as I did the moves I felt great. There was no cramping and I felt strong. The usual dizziness with a couple certain poses but otherwise I felt and now feel great. Step one towards getting through this day is done.

Excuses I said to myself before class"
1/) I am a bit dehydrated from yesterday
2.) I have cramps
3.) I did it yesterday I can always do it Sunday instead
4.) will my 13 year be Ok alone for 1 1/2 hours?
5.) maybe I should take the dogs out instead
6.) I am tiered
7.) this is will surely screw up my hair

I was able to get past all of those and simply do the damn class. Yhea me. Now will I get to karaoke time without being a drunken mess?  Will I really eat a meal instead of grazing all day? Will I get to the store to buy stuffed mushrooms and diet coke?  Yes I will!

Yesterday, at the funeral reception, I was standing  next to the food with my friend.  I  had noticed that this was an Irish  Funeral with Irish people and no one was eating the prosciutto! This would not happen at my house. We were at a lull in our conversation and noticed our friend's brother and his wife whom we have not seen in years. My friend said  looking at the food, ": I am on weight watchers." I said "Jenny Craig," the skinny wife said " I battle food every day"  and the dude said , "me too that is why I do half marathons"  We came together and spent a long time talking about various  strategies. I thought I had tried every diet but alas I have not. There is a completely different level of craziness that I  have yet to rise too. I am talking about food combing the blood type diet and being a vegetarian. I was captivated as this little lady talked about the evolutionary reasons we have different blood types and that those blood types yield a need for different diets. I am Type A (A + actually and  the only A+ I ever got)   She said that I should be a vegetarian. Type O gets to be the meat eaters. I am not telling my "Type O"  husband , this would give him entirely too much material.he is the biggest carnivore I have ever met.  I am not buying it, it seems a little koo koo even for me. Gluten free for those with celiac is another tough road. I am suspicious of the amount of people now with celiac disease. I feel  the amount of Celiac diagnosis are  rivaled only by  the diagnosis of autism. Too much.  I will buy the diagnosis if it was made by  GI Dr who actually took a biopsy of the colon. I really feel nutritionist are full of shit when they make the call. I can not argue with  someone feeling better after cutting gluten out of their diet but it may be just because they are now just eating better. Just my theory. I could not even imagine being a vegan with celiac disease.

OK wish me luck off I go!

Friday blog planning and reassessing

Today is Friday and the weekend to implement some of the things  I  have learned over the last few weeks. In many of my blogs I find my self saying "next time...plan, next time move more..." So here goes nothing.

The start of the day.-  I went to work today with the hopes that I could get relieved so I could attend a funeral for a dear friend's Dad. I know dieting and drinking yield a silly Mary prone to headaches. dieting PMS Mary yield a total bitch.  This morning , to my new boss,  I said ,  I believe my exact words were, "If I do not get out of here by noon I am sure as hell not coming Monday." The next thing I knew about 30 min into my shift I was getting relieved. I am not sure if I was being punished or if being an unprofessional bitch pays off. Regardless after apologies to all I got off work early.  For the record I shocked myself and promptly turned myself in to my boss (she was pissed) and I apologized  to her and  to the new boss  I am a winmp.

I actually ended up with extra time,  so risking screwing up my freshly blown flat hair,  I went to Yoga.  In the past screwing up my hair would be a perfect excuse not to work out. There are many reasons not to work out screwing up hair, having to shower again,  taking shoes off, having to shave arm pits, cramps, too many things to do, I think I might be hurt or get hurt, it is foggy it is sunny it is raining and so on   As I had breakfast at 6:30am,  I was strong in the 9:30 class. I felt good and just tried to do as the instructor said as she said it. All in all it was a great work out and the water weight gain that comes with PMS ended up all over my towel and yoga outfit. I saw a river of water rushing down my nose. My mouth tasted very salty as it's salt concentration increased due to the extreme water loss, that, or, even  the inside of my mouth sweat!   I did an experiment and weighed after class.  Despite drinking 2 liters of waster during and after class I lost one pound from this morning. Usually the number I see on the scale just after waking up and naked is not seen until the following morning. So seeing it go down after eating and drinking is a tiny miracle or proof that the heat in Bikram Yoga makes you sweat A LOT!

So here is the plan for the rest of the weekend. JC Friday , work out and maybe some wine. Saturday JC Breakfast and Lunch, work out and a party wear I will not get drunk and mindlessly eat. I will bring some healthy yummy choices like tomato fresh mozzarella and basil, carrots and hummus... I will make a plate of food for dinner instead of just munching. Hit up Costco for some Skinny Girl Margarita's. Hell with the hair I am getting in the pool and having fun. 

Yesterday I was tempted like crazy for an unknown reason to shop on-line. I did not do it and was disturbed at the "Jonesing" feeling I had. I went so far as putting things in my basket and just seeing what they would cost with the special promotional discount if I used my card. I got a bit wigged out and logged off in a hurry. I confessed to Jack and he said I was weird. I guess I am but I know I am not the only fat American with credit card debt there are lots of weirdos out there. Maybe I felt deserving. After all, if a "Real Houswife" can have it why can't I? Maybe because some of them are actually rich. Whatever I stopped myself and I am confessing.

... Went to an Irish Funeral and acted like someone at an Irish Funeral at least I  worked out first and ate a normal lumch and breakfast. Talk  or confess to you all after I go to a huge paty Saturday.

Pretty much for Girls

Here is the deal - PMS is the name of the game today- I do not think dudes are reading this so hear goes. After a week of being nearly perfect the scale is not budging thankfully in either direction. It is always weird how my period is such a huge surprise. But when you add up mood,  appetite and bloating it can only be one thing.  I guess it could be 2 things but there is no way I am pregnant!

 So it happens to be the double whammy weigh day. First I go to the SHINE study for my one year follow up. I was hoping for a good report card. Next I go to JC  for my weekly weigh in. A scheduling nightmare but it is my day off and I have to consolidate appointment.  This is going to suck and the fight or flight is kicking  in and I really want to fly. But I am not. I am sure I will just walk into the office talking a mile a minute about my period to some chick that does not care and be that weird hyper silly women who talked too much. So be it. At least I get my roots done at 2PM!   I am fasting for the blood draw right now and hungry. I hate to eat in front of the study people and they always offer cereal fruit and yogurt right after the blood draw.  I guess they figure over weigh people will surely self combust skipping a meal. So afraid of lowered blood sugars and taking measurments they feed you. I always figure because it is a study that they are studying what and how much we eat. Will she read the label of the Yogurt? Will she have the milk and yogurt?  I always try and decline and then end up eating the cereal with the milk and skipping the yogurt.

Any how I expect a great week next week or in a few days. The good part of being on a  journey to reduce debt and my waist line is  when one is not working out you can probably feel good about the other. Unless I maxed out my credit card at a restaurant, in that case I would be sunk!

Break... I will be in touch after weigh in...

I am back.  Not all bad. I was not that chatty weird lady I thought I might be. Maybe in anticipating the behavior born from the anxiety one can get a grip, behave and just be a polite patient. I was weighed and the world did not stop.  I talked about getting a job in the OR with the guy who took my blood , food was offered  I declined. I know if they plopped in front of me I would of had it! Weighing in   I was the same as last week but less than 6 months ago and not more. My measurements showed  improvement my waist and hips  are now 2 different numbers!  We are heading in the correct direction and I know the number on the scale this week reflects a premenstrual lady. Breath!!!

At JC, my regular weight loss counselor was very excited. She is also a very good salesperson.  I know the deal because I used to do her job -quite well. She tried to sell me, of course at a significant discount, some sort of monitor you wear that calculates energy expense , calories in and out...  I do not need a machine to tell me how I am doing my jeans do that. This is where weight loss and debt reduction cross roads. Usually if they are selling I am buying. I reminded her about my quest and she seemed very disappointed. She said, "of all my clients I thought you would buy one for sure!"  Not  today bitch! (said in a silly but confident tone)

My Guru Kirstie Alley is a size 4!

I have talked about Kirstie Alley for years in my stand-up act. It seems we are always on the same track we gain and lose together, only she is unaware of the connection we most certainly have.  I love to make fun of it not her.  She is now a size 4 ( not exactly sure I am buying the size maybe an 8) .  What I am thinking is  "yhea for me."   It is like we are on a roller coaster together but she is sitting in front. We started losing together when she had just lost 5 lbs and was the spokes person for Jenny Craig. We failed that one together and both got fat again.  I feel bonded with her.  She is 60 and looks great I am taking everything positive out of this. I read some web comments posted under her picture and there are such haters out there.people who must be thin are so mean.  Negative people that try to sum her up in 2 lines. Most likely from people that have never had to  deal with weight issues.  I can only imagine the thick skin a celebrity needs to keep in order to feel OK with themselves. I thought I had to have a thick skin working with Dr's but the general public is ruthless. Not sure I could take it. No worries about  ever having to worry about that!  Size 4 I could only dream about that,  I really do not think that would be possible. unless I reconstructed my rib cage .  I would be so happy with being an 8-10. 

One thing I read in a very short article about Kirstie is that she had no idea  at her biggest what she looked like. I actually believe this, even with all her tabloid exploitation, I understand what it is like to feel one way and to  look another. It is weird how that can be the case. Right now I have lost some weight and feel pretty good, at least better, but when I put on clothes it is clear that there is plenty of work to do.

 The Panda, Pablo Sandoval  ( SF Giant currently hitting great ) is fat again.  Last season after winning the World Series he got a warning about his weight. At the start of this season he looked trim and the press noticed. I saw a "before and after"  photo comparing him today with the start of the season and he now  has a spare tire around his waist. It makes me wonder if there is hope, come on,   if you are a professional athlete with all the resources in the world and can not manage to keep off the pounds where is the hope for us regular chumps?  Maybe, like Kirstie,  he should go on dancing with the stars. I am more likely to be seen dancing  in Bars!

I won a bike race today. Not sure the other person knew it was a race but I won! Hurray for imagination. I am pretty sure it was Lance Armstrong's  ass who I kicked too.  I was riding up hill in Golden Gate Park at 6 AM on my way to work and realized I was gaining on this young thing. I went for it and pedalled as fast as I could and past her. She had passed me earlier so we were racing. I know it and I won.

Yoga update-  On Monday, I put my forehead on my knee. I did not think that possible. When it hit, and I really mean "hit"   I was first shocked and then I looked to get the attention of the teacher so I could get some positive reinforcement or a witness but I was alone in that moment and so damn proud. My forehead was finally hitting my knee and I did not have to have a mastectomy to do it.  I really wanted to share the moment with someone that knows how hard I have been working but she was looking into space while directing us in our practice.   At home, when I tried to show Jack  my new skill,  he said " stop or you'll hurt yourself."  True dat-  It was tough to recreate and just a moment,  a private moment of self satisfaction for me myself and I.

Loving the support I am receiving from the folks reading this!! It really helps to hear from you. I am surviving the constant bombardment of advertising and starting to get annoyed with department stores, I know where you are and know what you sell leave me the hell alone. When I am smaller I will buy new clothes- CASH.

Journey or excavation

Thanks for the advise- you know who you are!  There  are many things we are told not to do but do them anyway! One is weighing every day. Sometimes I make myself  weigh in just to motivate me for that day. It is at the risk of making me feel horrible but sometimes it does help me not cheat. . It is all such a head trip.

Motivation is in the mirror.   Seeing myself in 3 mirrors at the same time is too much Mary too much motivation. . I  got a glimpse of myself naked the other day I almost died. I am scared that once I uncover what lies beneath it will not be much better, after all it is older. I guess the entire thing is more of excavation than a journey. Or a journey through time. Sort of like when you go somewhere you have not been in quite some time and it kind looks the same but some things have been  majorly changed due to being developed. That old field is now a Trader Joe's or strip mall complete with nail saloons and Starbucks. That place where your ass stood was hit by a land slide or sink hole.  When I  do get there will I recognize it? 

Thinking back , the last time I was was somewhat happy with my weight was when I had my first date with Jack. We went  to the House of Prime Rib and the next date me made me pork chops the rest was history. Steady weight gain, had a kid more weight gain a stressful job more weight gain. And do not for get the Yo Yo dieting. Do not get me wrong I am hopeful that I will get to goal weight just curious what that might look like!

Back at it full force, feeling better, back to work. Rode the bike to work today and yesterday and went to Yoga torture before picking up the kid.  I really need to take a serious look at the activity part of this. I know I was ill last week and resting but when I was feeling better I did have moments of just being bored and wondering the house. I could have walked the dogs. I will try walking in the evening. My dad used to walk every night after dinner. Of coarse it was an excuse to smoke a cigar. Maybe if I start smoking I will have to go outside. Just kidding.

Temptation- the dreaded work pot luck. Indian food, lasagnas cookies brownies ... all in my bosses office. I was told I was a "lame ass"  for not participating but whatever I really do not want to blow it for a pot luck. I was very hungry today and thankfully had packed yogurt and fruit along with my Jenny Craig.  I did good!   I did not have one bit of that food because I do know that once I start I will not stop.

Instead of Brownies I get brownie points.

Move and plan.  The next 3 weekends there are challenges. 2 parties and one dinner planned at the House of Prime Rib! God help me!

Forgive me Father for I have sinned- How many Hail Mary's???

So I keep on changing the name of the blog,  can't find a funny name that I am pleased with. I will keep changing it until I am happy because who the hell cares!?

Daily weight fluctuations are one of the most frustrating elements of weight loss Some times there is no reason for a 2 lb gain. None that you can remember anyway.  Little things might give an indication what the scale will say, tight rings means water retention could be a couple pounds, haven't pooped depending how long could be a few pounds, drank a bottle of wine 3 LBs. These are all variables that could  make one want to just jump on and demolish the scale.  Drinking can  screw with  weight  for 2-3 days all due to water weight gain.  I am thinking it is just not worth it, the drinking that is.   This all might come down to leaving Jenny Craig for AA!    I have been down that route in my 20's and lets just say I lost a lot of weight just not drinking. It was a side effect of clean living.   I was  living on my own, pretty damn broke and not drinking. I was also a freshly divorced 27 year old with a  few  insurance company jobs varying in "horribleness"   and a band that was gigging all the time. It was the best of times and the worst of times.  I weighed 55 lbs  less than I do right now I was single and a singer in a rock and roll band. It was fun and horrible.  Divorce is a great for the waist line but tough to recover from emotionally.  I felt good but still worried about my weight and was also trying to be tan and blond. I have given up on being blond and tan and went back to what "God" intended  as far as color scheme goes.

 It is very interesting that everyone I know has an opinion about my hair color and for once in my life I could give a shit what people think I should do with my hair. That is a gift of being in my 40's. I do not mind being in my 40's I do not  yearn to be younger because believe it of not I enjoy being a little more mature or wiser. I think I just changed the subject in order to stop talking about drinking! Quick look over here and forget all about the drinking thing. Not ready to tackle that yet. Once a week is the goal until I grow up a bit more. OK?

So in case you have not guessed everything was fine last night until  the mail came. A huge package with all Jack's incorporation things came so we ended up celebrating.   There  was a really cool stamp thingy to emboss "things" with some sort of official seal. Very fancy for a plumber and very Martha Stewart.  The best part is that no one can take our house if he "f's" up! It is a huge reason to celebrate. His cousin and friend came over and the next thing I knew I was munching on chips and salsa and sipping (sipping!) on a bottle of fantastic Chardonnay. I am not hung over and for my punishment I have already done the laundry, changed my sheets, did the dishes and battled the dog hair on the hard wood floors. Also the scale served as Priest as I  was 1 lb more than yesterday. Time to move on stay positive and get moving. I was not going to write this down I did not want to tell anyone but I am a good catholic (well Catholic, not really a good one , I only have one kid and do  not go to church)  but  I am starting to look at this like confession. How many Hail Mary's shall I do????