At home bored injured and all alone with home made Christmas cookies. A Christmas cookie recipe for disaster. Lifting my daughter I strained my back. No yoga no biking no nothing for at least a week. Last weigh in it was all about maintaining as the Holidays provides an increase in social get togethers, lunches out and I have to say I love down town at Christmas time. Champagne in the middle of the day is fun. The damage is done but I still remain optimistic. I am off work for a few weeks as the call of motherhood won out once again. I am being pulled in so many directions that it is hard to focus on weight loss in fact sometimes it seems ridiculous. How could I be so stuck when there are people out there hungry. It makes me a bit ill when I think outside myself and what things could be like. Again feeling like an ugly American. Either I am feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself or feeling disgusted at trying to take care of myself when others need more . I guess it is the Holidays that get you thinking about the world. What would the ghosts Of Christmas past present and future show me if I were Scrooge? By the way I am not Scrooge, I already have the Fitz and Floyd reindeer purchased on Ebay sitting proudly on my desk. I find myself staring at him a lot. Last year I got into a bidding war on him and lost, this year I got him and I was the only bidder. Lucky me??? Whatever. What the hell would those ghosts say? I really have no idea or anything to say other than that would be a great idea for a bit if I were to get on stage which I am not, not right now, who knows when. I a beginning to think the proper venue for my feelings right now would be singing the blues.
I am not changing. I have days of eating well and others that I blow it totally. I have lost weight but gained 2 pounds back and here I sit awaiting the end of the year and to be one of the people who made the same damn resolution that crowd the gyms in January. I think in order for this to work to become thin and rich- still the goal, I need a complete overhaul. I am talking about a less stressful job,that will enable me to deal with the stress at home caring for a special needs kid. Time, time to actually have a life style that is active. Hobbies that do not include cheese.
When I take my daughter to horse back riding at a program for disabled kids, I see them the people that have the life I want. They are beautiful, they ride beautiful horses and wear amazing equestrian attire. They live in Woodside or Athertom and they look pretty damn happy. They are mounting their horses and riding off into the sunset- posting away until they jump over obstacles with ease. I envy them. Healthy and happy affording horses and great functional boots . Do not get me started on polo ponies.
Here is my foolish plan and or fantasy. I am a Mom so it includes my wonderful kid. A life style that makes you want to get out of bed. Forget public school special ed high school days. Right now I think my daughter is in the same boat as me. She rather have a fever than go to school. She takes her own temperature several times a day. When it is normal she says "darn it" or "foofy" 7 hours of special ed 5 days a week is not the life I want for her. They do not get field trips, that is the schools way of dealing with them. It is not right. They change class rooms less so have to sit in the same room longer trying to do algebra when they do not even get the concept of multiplication. I can not bare keeping her in this environment. A larger school, meaner kids and dreams of getting a certificate of completion. Not a diploma. She is aware of the fact that she is in special ed she is seeing her "normal friends" that sh has had since first grade grow apart from her. She is aware that she is different. Somebody actually called her a dumb cripple the other day. that kid is lucky I did not cripple her. I am heart broken. I just want to keep her safe and give her the best possible life
What if we paid off all our bills , came up with a sort of home school or program and educated her by living a richer life in the world? What if I worked less and showed her the world on horse back? What if? A horse can get her to places that a wheel chair can not. She i s taking her lessons and is now riding almost independently. She loves that one hour a week. I think she deserves more than one hour a week of happiness.
These are the fantasies and or dreams that spark the need/desire to pay shit off. With the bills the way they are right now this will remain a dream and she will get her certificate and watch life on TV like a lot of Americans. This is not just about paying off bills or being thin it is about living life to the fullest. I have to remind myself that every day or I feel deprived and am easily distracted by cookies. When joy comes from consuming and that is the only source of joy it is sad and things need to change. Everything needs to change.
My back is killing me right now. A sort of call to have to sit and think. Think why I started this how I am going to tackle it and how to just live life at its best. I brought my daughter into this world and I feel I owe it to her to show her all it has to offer. I see her drawn to TV and being sedentary. It scares me for her and for our family we need change. I am not going to be afraid to dream without dreams there is no change.
Ok I am talked into it all over again. the Holidays are a time to give the New Year is a time to give to yourself. Remember your dreams and start a new and try again and again till you find yourself in a place worth getting out of bed for.
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