For once and forever... here we go again

Here it is August 23, a Tuesday, I am in week 3 of yet another diet. Jenny Craig to be exact. Done them all- weight watchers, a weight loss study, no carbs no fat starving, exercise…  even the  apple and southern Comfort Diet invented by a girl I knew from New Jersey.  Got into my skinny jeans on that one and got so drunk I could not get them off.  I am about 60 pounds over weight  and who knows how in debt. I really can not do the math right now or this project may come to an end when I dive into a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita’s  So pardon me, and get the gist, things are out of control right now. Today  I received a call for my one year follow up for a weight loss study I enrolled in last year and find myself the same weight I started that adventure in failure. I think the study found that weight loss is easy,  keeping it off is impossible for most of us. It worked at first but I have never gottan to my goal weight after having a kid 13 years ago. The most I have lost is 27 pounds. I have decided to go back to my dieting roots.  I am doing Jenny Craig  and  three weeks ago I weighed 8 pounds more than I do today. Maybe that has given me hope enough to start journaling this.  Jenny Craig improved the food and I am doing some days on my own in an attempt not to get bored. This is not a commercial for Jenny Craig it is just the diet I have chosen to help me as it has worked well for me in the past and also a coworker is doing it.  Some how  this time I feel different about this attempt at weight loss.  This time it is more than just a diet . More than an attempt based upon vanity. I truly feel the blocks to being all I can be  is in my head and habits that lead to excessive everything  put me like a lot of Americans  fat and in debit. I am wishing to literally  dig out of credit card debt I think it will work, it has too or I feel that I may end up a fat tired bored angry American women with her youth behind her and nothing to look forward to but bankruptcy arthritis and diabetes. Fun, I can not wait.   I am surrendering.  I have to admit that I do not know it all. If I did I would be thin and rich.  What I  know is that I am really good at excuses. I am going to be a geek about this.  I am writing my goals  I am putting them up on the refrigerator  and my desk.  I am looking at this with foolish high hopes. But  I am hopeful and motivated and am going to write it all down. I imagine there will be bumps challenges set back and  plateaus but I am going to try again. I think those bumps may make this a pretty good book.  This time I hope to be at goal weight with reduced debt by June 2012.- 9 months That means through the Holiday season I  will have to scale back and get on the scale. There is no easy time of year and there are always excuses to spend money and eat. I am going to find excuses not to eat and not to spend. Sorry family- not charging Christmas this year. Nothing in a big brown bag nothing in a little blue box for anyone. Going to have to put some thought into this! I have given myself incentive by offering a $1000 cash shopping spree at the end. I actually should be able to afford that once I have less credit card payments. I am drowning but I have gotten a gasp of air that is giving me hope that I will soon be above water and  in a bathing suit I paid cash for!   I do not know where the air came from maybe an angel . I will write through the entire adventure. I have stopped thinking about doing my hobby - stand up comedy as the thought of getting up on stage  and doing fat jokes makes me want to die. Being overweight affects every part of my life and I need to remove it as an issue so I can live my life the way I want to.  I need to address it , attack it and master it and then I can concentrate on other things that make me happy. I love to sing and do comedy but at a weight over 200 pounds I do not want to do any of it. I feel that I am treated like an invisible nonviable human by coworkers and really not someone that is respected. I have a feeling that may change with a better healthier lets just say it younger looking appearance.  Maybe what I really need is self respect and the rest will follow. I want to have sex with my husband and be proud of what I look like not be sheepish. Insert your own  sheep sex joke here.   I want to have money left over after paying bills. The debt thing is huge , actually find myself afraid to  even add it up.  Ok, just added it up and have found I need short and long term goals. The short term goal is to pay off Chevron, pay pall, pay later, Nordstrom and Bloomingdales. They have high interest and balances that can be paid off in 9 months.  Once those are paid off  I should also be  hitting  goal weight.  Then I plan on attacking paying off the car and $19000 visa bill this should be during the weight maintenance portion of the plan. The IRS is in there too but I have no idea how that will happen. They have their own time table and I am in that with my husband They are most likely a very long term goal. Bastards.  By the time I turn  50 I will be out of debt and  weighing what I did in my 20’s. That is the goal.   I will increase my retirement contributions and then probably die. No!  I hope not! I really  feel  the shopping and eating are symptoms of something. I guess if I went to a therapist they could make me figure out.  But I will save time and money and forgo that route to self awareness.   I have formulated a plan that  will help me reduce debt and lose weight. I feel by doing this I will feel better and be able to live a life Suzie O would approve of. Mostly I want to address  the character traits that cause this and just be a better person. This means no more using the cards,  that may be harder than changing my eating habits.  So a very structured payment plan and Jenny Craig will help me get there to the land of the thin and   rich (to me) .  A place I have longed to reach. Want to come too?