TVaholic and that is OK! For now

Biked to work, worked, got off early , biked home and went to yoga. Did it all while being so damn tired. Also, forgot to pack fruit and milk today so food was scarce so I felt a little light headed in yoga today not as strong as I did the other day. I did not die though I managed to be hungry and not kill anyone.  I did seem to look a bit different in the mirror. I weigh in tomorrow and I think it will be a good week. So I get a massage!

I have moments where inpatients takes over when I feel this is just not happening fast enough. Every ounce is a struggle. I am not hungry I am eating correctly and I am moving. Shouldn't it come off faster?? I know it should not  as a 1-2 pounds a week loss is healthy and where I am. I am right on track. I  have been on so many diets, have a BS in Exercise Physiology , A nursing degree , was a weight loss counselor and worked in a gym and it still a problem for me.  It is not for lack of knowledge I just like to reward myself big and in the wrong ways.

I tried to have a conversation today with someone who did not watch TV, it was hard and it hit me I need to also read. I know about every real house wife of every city, I know everything about the girls from Jerseylicious I love to watch Chopped, Hell's Kitchen, Whale Wars, Deadliest Catch and manage to Keep up with the Kardatians and every show about home improvement and the price of old junk/treasures. I also have time to squeeze in The Giants and plan on watching football this year. Why don't the dogs get out more for walks? I guess I am too busy watching TV. I love it.  It is how I relax,  it is always on. When Jack is home every TV in the house is on at the same time. We are ugly Americans. Hawaiian shirts and all.   Undoing this will be a long term goal I am not ready for that one. I am not perfect and never will be.

So I have to remind myself this trip I am  going on is a long one and each day is basically 1 step towards the goal. Bills get paid once a month so I made a chart with all the bills , expected payment ,  expected decreased balance and have circled the months that have a bill that gets paid off. October will be my first month celebrating the zero balance of a bill. I will have paid off "Pay Later" a payment option when you use "Bookit.com"  for trip  planning.  So a trip I went on earlier in the year will be paid and before they hit me with huge interest. If you pay it sooner and not later they reward you but they want you to really pay later and get killed with interest. I forced myself to look at all interest rates today in order to double check the priority in which I put the bills. I was surprised that Nordstrom Visa was not that bad compared to Pay pal so it did help. April-July I will be able to celebrate a bill being paid off each month. That is something to look forward to and to see it in writing was promising. I feel so responsible, a bit kooky but responsible. I also feel excited when looking at the numbers get smaller. As I pay off a bill I will put that money towards another increasing it's payment and getting it paid off faster and more efficiently.  I also took the financial planner advise and decided to earn more money,  as a nurse in the operating room,  I can simply sign up for more call shifts. So I did. Maybe I will buy some Christmas gifts!- CASH.

The Grind

This was one of those days that could have knocked me off track. Work was an ass kicker today. After work  I yearned for the immediate gratification provided by buying something cool or by the comfort offered by a nice glass of wine ( or bottle really!)  instead I was appeased by a nice tub, some jazz followed by a nap. I had a day at work that left me so damn tired it would have been easy to crash and burn. I didn't. I am proud of my self and am wondering where the strength is coming from. Maybe this blog knowing I have to report in.

I like to investigate options. I looked into liposuction and the gastric bypass/lap band. Sadly I would have had to gain weight for the gastric bypass and I was too fat for lippo. Left only the option of diet and exercise or the option of getting bigger and bigger or I suppose, doing nothing is an option I am back to diet and exercise. .  The first step at Kaiser when looking into a gastric bypass is an informative class. I took this class. the funny thing is I was the thinnest person there. I  may go back just to hang out when feeling poor about my self. They were nice people!  My favorite part was when this one African American women in her 40's took one look at the possible complications and walked out  of class in the first 2 minutes.   She walked out in a hurry saying something about " bleeding infection stroke see ya"  She was so strong so decisive and she amazed me.  I sat through the entire thing knowing I would have had to gain weight and then lose 10% of my weight and still qualify. That is too much math but I was too wimpy to walk out!

The class showed video's of different people and what they chose to do.   One lady chose not to have the surgery and chose to stop dieting and just be more active. She stopped gaining weight and still got to eat. She was sick of the yo yo diet where you end up gaining it back with interest. I  thought that smart. The rules of the gastric bypass seem tough. If you do not follow the rules you get sick and or stretch your stomach out and gain the weight back. I have a lot of character but do not think I could make that radical of a change so fast. Maybe if I had diabetes  and  or high blood pressure but  I do not. I am a very healthy fat chick. Other than the pain of  arthritis and an achy back  I am good to go.

Liposuction is really just for fine tuning and not to lose weight. KKathy Griffin said  that she actually gained weight after liposuction because of the recovery time. They also "nicked " her ureter and she had a foley catheter for a while. It is really surgery not without complication.  I looked into liposuction at the UCSF residents clinic a sort of  extreme and  affordable beauty school makeover. You get  to have someone" learn on you"  and they waive the surgeon fee. You have to pay for the hospital and anesthesia. I asked if  there was an anesthesia residents clinic and they could "learn"  too but sadly that is too dangerous.   So this was not an option for me  and I would know everyone in the room because this is where I work - forget it. I did go so far as showing my body to 2 residents ( I knew)  and one attending surgeon ( thankfully that I did not know)  As he  pointed out the areas of good living or "flaws" I sort of just looked at the ceiling and day dreamed. Then when I was told there was noting they could do unless I lost weight it was settled, no easy way out. Back to diet and exercise. Also the recovery time is a huge consideration. Time I do not have. Can you get disability recovering from a tummy tuck? I do not think so.  Also the Dr said they love extra skin and I did not have any  extra I was using all my skin.  The sweet resident whom  I knew said  " sorry it did not work out  but you have really nice legs probably better than mine!" 

Did not think anything happened and then...

So - work today the same old same old getting paid for people  to pretty much make me crazy. That part might be said for any job.   To the dude who said "want a chip?" and laughed in the lunch  room  Thanks for reading my blog.

I was not sure what I was going to write about today , ate Jenny Craig food , road my bike to work and then I went to Yoga (again)

Sore from yesterday I was not sure how it was going to work out. After the first few minutes I almost forgot I was sore and actually felt pretty strong. Funny thing is I used to be so tired after work I plopped on the couch and turned on the TV. Today for  whatever reason I felt energized. Maybe yesterday's work out or maybe the inspiration geeky collage I made yesterday actually inspired me. Who knows. Yes I made a  collage with Bette MIdler in the middle and a bunch of sayings to inspire me. Cut out 1  article  that said 'shopper live longer than non shoppers"  ( whoever the hell they are!)  Not exactly helpful if you shop too much but it made me laugh so it is on there too.

Before I went to Yoga I shaved my legs because when they are "poky" with stubble it hurts when they touch. It is enough sometimes to wake me up at night. The thing is I put on moisturizer. This combined with 105 degree room equals a very sweaty slippery Mary. In eagle pose my legs glided together and I almost got my right foot behind my left leg while standing one one leg and crossing my legs .  Hand in goofy crossed positron I give up trying to describe poses. I hope you get the gist. I was very slippery. It amused me.

The "mini Bikram" dudes and bendy goddesses filled the front row. Bravo folks!  you look amazing. It is amazing how good and how different every body is.  It almost felt like a Star Trec episode where I was on a planet of beautiful people and they tormented me. But the joke was on them because I kicked ass today! I was Kirk and the music was like "da da da da" ( star trec fighting  music! )  At one point I nearly yelled "yippee" as it was the first time I ever grabbed my foot in order to do standing head to knee pose. You stand on one leg, bend the other knee and grab your foot before you extend the leg and hold it forever with a flexed foot then you put your head on your knee. My  slippery boob was in the way on that one. Some day - maybe . 

I also want to say that the dude with the amazing lats and the cutest gravity defying tush I have ever seen in the front row with the tree of life tattoo on the right shoulder and gray soaking wet shorts ( not that I was looking)  should probably have a baby with the blond Colombian  bomb shell also standing in the front row to his right-  it would indeed be a superior race of bendy zen like children. I might buy one! 

The Plan for Today

OK time to get moving. Going to a 90 min Hot Yoga  class at  9:30 then finish breakfast and be sure to have tons of water. Eating too much before this class and I will toss my cookies and I am not bulimic! Well not cookies Jenny Craig Sunshine Sandwich.   Lunch will be Jenny all the way and dinner is a planned "meal on my own" Thinking seared ahi with some grilled veggies. Also no charge cards.

On Friday I  mentioned buying some books and later thought someone might accuse me of cheating. They were paid   for in cash by Jack so there!   All is well. Yesterday was a perfect Jenny day but not so active . The headache did ME in. Alcohol will be 1 day a week. I noticed many things coming up in September on the old social calender including Labor Day. Labor Day is traditionally one part BBQ and 3 parts beer. Going to my Sister's cabin in Boulder Creek and she is on board for "clean" grilling. Gonna find those Skinny Girl Margaritas invented by my idol Betheny Frankel - one of the original Real Houseiwves of New York City. A guilty pleasuer of mine.

I think I am going to start taking some pictures of my food because I do like to jazz it up. Love to watch "Chopped" and go into the kitchen and pretend, . I am like " In today's mystery basket we have Jenny Craig cheesy potatoes, lemon, mushrooms and Jenny Craig Tomato Florentine Soupitizer GO!" Being creative with the Jenny food is fun and pays off. Crystal light or iced tea and home made lemonade with splenda also fill me up and hydrate. I am going on to week 4 of JC and will probably have  a total of 10 pounds off on weigh in day on Thursday. That is the hope.

Feeling excited about yoga. I started yoga in March and have not done it since the beginning of July. Not sure why I stopped my back did hurt a consequence of over stretching something that is quite possible in that hot room. I was doing it while Elaine took a break from basketball and horseback riding so when basketball started again I got put on the back burner. Hard to do it all. The pace you have to go makes me too tired! I hate being rushed and or late. As a result I do not over book myself. The end result is that everyone in the house gets to do what they want and my only activity is eating and online shopping. Time for myself is not selfish but sometimes it feels that way. I think that is a Catholic guilt thing that I need to get over. It will not kill anyone if  I sneak out. As the Mom I cannot come and go as I please like a Dad. That is how it feels to me. He said last night " oh yhea I forgot I am going to the game with Peter and then left!"  I could never do that he would flip the world would stop rotating and my husband would act like a child. That  is one of the parts in marriage or my marriage that is not fair. He golfed yesturday I stayed home. I am going to Yoga damn it!

.  My wishes for the day, the fog goes away, The Giants win and I do not look like an inflexible giant in Yoga. I have to admit next to the tiny Asians in class I feel enourmous. I like to stand near the dudes because I am better at it them most of them. MOST some are mini Bikrams and you can spot them a mile away by their muscles. Ususally they are in the front too. My goal is to get to the middle row. The front is full of young bendy girlsand  maybe a mini Bikram dude. Middle row is a mixed bag of people that are running late and bendy people. The last row and the people that tend to stick near the window and or door  are my people! they are just hoping that the teacher will crack the window for a second so they can feel the fog.

I love the Yoga teachers. I love their calming voices. There are 2 that stand out. A Columbian bomb shell that recites the poses and moves in a high energy sexy enthusiastic columbian voice. I can hear her ' back back way back now CHARGE forward." in her accent I really think she should do sex books on tape. The other is from Boston. She ends every line with "lock you knees" Sounding like a Kennedy she reminds me of am unpire I keep thinking  she'll yell " your out!" I am suppose to be meditating but come on impossible with those two guiding me through my pracitce of bikram  Yoga.

My reward at the end of the week will be getting hair done and a massage! I can not wait. Feeling good today!

Almost a Perfect Night

Last night was a great night. Dropped the kid off at Girl Scouts and had a long awaited date with my husband Jack. We went to Clement Street  Bar and Grill right around the corner from Star of the Sea where Elaine has Scouts. I have to say I looked at Jack last night and he looked handsome. He had a scruff to his face that now is a bit gray and his hair has grow a little. I begged him to keep the hair but he loves to take it down to nearly bald. In fact, I made such a big deal of it that I am sure he'll hit the barber shop today.  There were positives and negatives. I think I ordered OK and did not eat too much. I had oysters on the half shell and grilled  trout it came with a black bean soup. No dessert ,no bread, ate half the rice and ate all my green bean that were not drowned in butter.  But I had 3 cocktails! The Hennessey Side Car is a great drink I enjoy them around 3-4 times a year. I love them too much to allow myself to make them a regular. They are a special treat. I did not eat all my rice and had no bread or dessert so I guess I did what the weight loss counselor suggested - sort of! I do have a  head ache though. Dieting and drinking make for a cheap date. We went for a walk after watching the Giants actually win a game and found ourselves  in a fish store on 6th and Clement. I think we are going to get another salt water tank going. Then we hit up a book store where I bought Tina' Fey's book "Bossy Pants" and  a book found in the health section called "What your Poop Tells  You." I put that one in the bathroom. It is quite informative and funny just because it is about poop and in our house poop jokes are still funny Maybe because I am a nurse and Jack is a plumber. poop pays the bills.  If I did not have a head ache right now I would say the night was perfect.

When I picked up Elaine at Scouts one of her friends pulled me aside and said she was worried about Elaine because she noticed Elaine was not eating her lunch at school. She went on to say that Elaine thought she was fat and that I told her she needed to go on a diet. This is now serious and I am scared to death.  I  have a 13 year old girl who is pretty but not that active because she needs a wheel chair and or a walker  to get around. Her  knees are contracted and she tires easily so being really active is tough. My obsession and lack of mastering my weight is now a problem for my daughter. I have screwed us both up and I do not know what to do. Crying right now is not helping. I  immediately talked to her and told her that in mo way I would I ever put her on a diet. I would help her eat better but she needs to yield on somethings too. She refuses to eat fruit or veggies. REFUSES and has a fit if they are on the plate. We talked about health and about the pressures to be thin especially for a teen age girl. We talked about eating 6 times a day and not just eating continuously. We talked about ways to increase activity for both of us. I guess I will just continue to keep the dialogue open. I think in some weird way I keep myself a bit thick to make her feel better. If I was at goal weight would it really bother her, would it be hard for her?  Strange thought but it has crossed my mind.

Stress. Stress or being bored leads me straight to the path of least resistance the path of old habits. The place that takes me sitting in front of the computer shopping while munching on something rich.  Often wondering where the snack went and did I actually eat it or lose it. Mindless easting.  The comforting place where all my senses are being stimulated. A sad place of consumption. The kind of stress that I have comes from a high stress work environment- the pediatric operating room and from caring for a special needs kid who is a teen ager going through and feeling all that a normal teen goes through. . It is real and I think having a sense of humor is my saving grace. We laugh through a lot at work and at home. I actually thrive when the "shit is hitting the fan." I go into some sort of super mode that carries it;s own endorphin.  It is after that I crash and yearn for comfort only cheese and wine can give.  It is a battle to stay sane. As I have said before I can rationalize the fact that I deserve just about anything. Too bad that "treat" usually comes with a price I can not afford.

I asked a financial planner once how the hell I could get out of debt. He said do not try and decrease your bills just make more money. So I quit working for him and went to nursing school. I have more money now on the old W-2 but still in debt. I am still thinking about those damn boots. They are still in my basket but there is no once in a life time deal offered only today going on so there they will sit gathering virtual dust in my virtual shopping basket. I know that with Christmas coming there will be better deals offered. Too bad I will be able to buy these stupid things in Spring when they are not in style. Maybe these boots are just a place for me to be without stress? NO idea.

Oh yhea I talked about Jimmy Choos and other top designer brands in my last blog. Note I do not own any of these just covet them! Well I do have some Stuart Weizmann sandals that cost $450 and  they have broken 2 times. I bought a pair of Vera Wang sandals $99 thong and they broke.  The real high enders were never on my radar. Until recently when a spike in my shopping problem occurred. When I lost the sense of what things should cost. . Maybe due to  Oprah and Carrie Bradshaw I want them. I am a consumer and very vulnerable to advertising. I noticed this when I looked through a magazine and saw Tiffany on page 1 and Restoration Hardware on page 2. Was it coincidental that I had to have a sofa from R.H and a Tiffany Key last year?  Am I that person that the advertising agencies study in order to manipulate me? I think I am and now know it so beware advertisers the jig is up and I am watching you. Stop popping up on my Facebook page stop emailing me get out of my magazines and my head. You are not helping me!   I think the positive is I am aware and from now on paying cash for good quality timeless styles that will stand the test of time. Trendy tings gotta be cheap as they might just get worm once. Like a mate you want quality for the long term and something flashy for a summer romance.

PaRTY PARTY PARTY

Talked to some folks at work today that have read my blog.Thanks! It made me feel a little nervous. I wrote straight from the heart and that is how I am going to keep it, honest! It scared me a little but in the end I think is good as now I feel accountable not only to Jenny Craig.  The immediate gratification from writing this I believe will be a key to success. lets face it I am not new to this journey but now have a heightened sense of accountability. Good. keep me honest people. . Just like many of the early explorers  I am on a journey that has been attempted many times and just like those explorers I have  gotten  lost or hijacked by pirates also known as family and friends!.  Past diets felt as if I was holding my breath for as long as possible. Impossible to do as it is not compatible with living. I mean to be "good" I had to stay away from parties or just going out. I had to isolate. I am as social as it gets. I love to party and be around my friends and family. I was doomed from the start just equating being "good" with not being social because I  HAVE TO BE SOCIAL.It is a huge part of who I am.   The diet would last as long as I could stay alone. I live with my partner- my drinking partner, also known as my husband, so really when what you have in common with someone is drinking and eating  and you cut that off things get weird or hard and we are back to breath holding. How long can someone hold their breath?   When you  can no longer hold it and go to take that breath it is a big gasp. You compensate for a lack of oxygen.    Knowing this is the case. What to do? I can hear someone out their saying "moderation." I hate that word it is boring. I need to find a way to keep this fun.  I begged the weight loss counselor to team up with Skinny Girl Margarita. I think this could revolutionize the weight loss industry. Find a way to drink and to stay thin and I am in. What she suggested was to trade my starch and dessert for a diet coke and captain Morgan.  I think you get more than one for that trade. That is like trading someone like Barry Bonds for a little league player . My potato and cake for one drink - is she nuts?  O nuts I miss nuts.   It is Friday that is why this is an issue. I have been wired to party on Friday since High School. Actually going out tonight. As part of my Jenny Craig bargain session I agreed to try this again but have 2 dinners on my own these would also be the days I get to have some cocktails. "Activity keeps jumping into my brain as I write this. Increase activity that should help.   I had a coach in college - Brad Duggan at City College who loved to tie one on and he was athletic, he  said " for every beer run a lap." Could you see trying to do this at the same time? I see a drunk fat old lady sweating while she tried to drink the beer and run at the same time. You would spill way too much. I also have found that when I do drink that the next day the last thing I want to do is run. So I am thinking the kids on Jersey Shore have it down - go to the gym before you party! OMG that is the answer. 35 years of dieting and Just figured that out. I have learned something from Snookie.  Hot Yoga then a cold beer. All would be even with the universe. Maybe if I exercised more I could also have my potato. I will leave you  on this sad note. When my kid was in first grade her teacher was quite  perplexed that she did not know the word "waist" I was like " that is because in our house we call it our "tummy."  Wish me luck at dinner tonight!

Almost sucked in...

Just  checking your email can lead you off track to the land of interesting once in a life time deals.   I have sworn to pay off debt and have developed a plan. However when merely looking at my emails today I was tempted . I received my statement from Bloomingdale's and wanted to see my credit form my most recent payment. I thought it might motivate me or something???  Then I noticed there was 1 thing in my basket. I forgot what so I checked it out and there was a pair of boots. A recent obsession with boots left me with a very expensive pair of boots ($995)  in my Bloomingdale's Basket. Ralph Lauren riding boots. Yummy!  I have never bought them merely covet them so I keep them i n my basket until there is a red note saying they are no longer available. Weird - whatever.  I took a poll at work  How much is too much for boots?  I got all kinds of answers. Mom's cheaper than the rest. Kids are expensive. Realize I am a nurse and in a room of people that make pretty good money, although they "work hard for the money"  Some spend it and  wear Jimmy Choos, Manolos. and  those red soled soul stealer's the Louie.B. the king daddy of decadence and prestige. Others get their shoes at Kmart or Target. I would die first. Sorry I have a strange  feeling associated with shopping and it goes deep inside me! I am not a snob just a junkie for that feeling that new shoes can offer. Rrecently I bought and returned some Salvatore Ferragamo's and a pair of Tory Burch  riding boots. I did not love them they only gave me buyers remorse. This is progress for me. Usually when the love affair is over I just stop wearing  whatever it was that I had to have.  So how much is too much I do not know anymore. So the email confirmation that they received my last payment was accompanied by a special 20% off when I use my card special. For a minute I got excited inside as I quickly did the calculations how much off these boots would be. then saw the note I have taped to my desk- Goals..." "You can do it Mary" thinner and richer. I stopped and felt a bit let down and sad that I would not get these Ralph Lauren killer killer make me want to march around naked in nothing but them boots. So how much is too much for boots?  Think as long as you pay cash and have money left over to eat and live you have your answer.  It varies. I can not afford theses boots but they are still sitting in  my basket.

I was so good to set an automatic payment schedule for Bloomingdale's , Nordstrom and Restoration Hardware but screwed up the date and all were paid at the expense of overdrawing my account and costing  me $75 in fees. I almost cried. My first month at being responsible and it made me cry. My husband handed me $100 when he saw me slumped at my desk. He is a good man.  I canceled the payment schedule and will just do it monthly so this does not happen again.

I have been rethinking my reward of a $1000 shopping spree for getting to goal weight and paying off debt. It seems wrong. Then I got to thinking about "reward" and "deserving" and how I got here. I love to reward my self for a job well done with actual self destructive behavior. Lost 2 pounds deserve an entire bottle of wine. paid something off why not spend more money? Worked hard all day lets have drinks... It is all seeming sad to me. A cycle of setting myself up for failure. I need to think of new rewards differently.  Then I think about "value" what is important? Time , time spent doing something worth while. Baking????!!!! No that never works I can not have Brownies in my house without having one every time I walk by. If you put a pedometer on me as I circle the brownies you would see I walk around them a lot but not enough to burn them off.,  So I am going to think of values to treat myself that do not hurt me.  Lost a little  weight this week how about a $10 manicure.

For once and forever... here we go again

Here it is August 23, a Tuesday, I am in week 3 of yet another diet. Jenny Craig to be exact. Done them all- weight watchers, a weight loss study, no carbs no fat starving, exercise…  even the  apple and southern Comfort Diet invented by a girl I knew from New Jersey.  Got into my skinny jeans on that one and got so drunk I could not get them off.  I am about 60 pounds over weight  and who knows how in debt. I really can not do the math right now or this project may come to an end when I dive into a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita’s  So pardon me, and get the gist, things are out of control right now. Today  I received a call for my one year follow up for a weight loss study I enrolled in last year and find myself the same weight I started that adventure in failure. I think the study found that weight loss is easy,  keeping it off is impossible for most of us. It worked at first but I have never gottan to my goal weight after having a kid 13 years ago. The most I have lost is 27 pounds. I have decided to go back to my dieting roots.  I am doing Jenny Craig  and  three weeks ago I weighed 8 pounds more than I do today. Maybe that has given me hope enough to start journaling this.  Jenny Craig improved the food and I am doing some days on my own in an attempt not to get bored. This is not a commercial for Jenny Craig it is just the diet I have chosen to help me as it has worked well for me in the past and also a coworker is doing it.  Some how  this time I feel different about this attempt at weight loss.  This time it is more than just a diet . More than an attempt based upon vanity. I truly feel the blocks to being all I can be  is in my head and habits that lead to excessive everything  put me like a lot of Americans  fat and in debit. I am wishing to literally  dig out of credit card debt I think it will work, it has too or I feel that I may end up a fat tired bored angry American women with her youth behind her and nothing to look forward to but bankruptcy arthritis and diabetes. Fun, I can not wait.   I am surrendering.  I have to admit that I do not know it all. If I did I would be thin and rich.  What I  know is that I am really good at excuses. I am going to be a geek about this.  I am writing my goals  I am putting them up on the refrigerator  and my desk.  I am looking at this with foolish high hopes. But  I am hopeful and motivated and am going to write it all down. I imagine there will be bumps challenges set back and  plateaus but I am going to try again. I think those bumps may make this a pretty good book.  This time I hope to be at goal weight with reduced debt by June 2012.- 9 months That means through the Holiday season I  will have to scale back and get on the scale. There is no easy time of year and there are always excuses to spend money and eat. I am going to find excuses not to eat and not to spend. Sorry family- not charging Christmas this year. Nothing in a big brown bag nothing in a little blue box for anyone. Going to have to put some thought into this! I have given myself incentive by offering a $1000 cash shopping spree at the end. I actually should be able to afford that once I have less credit card payments. I am drowning but I have gotten a gasp of air that is giving me hope that I will soon be above water and  in a bathing suit I paid cash for!   I do not know where the air came from maybe an angel . I will write through the entire adventure. I have stopped thinking about doing my hobby - stand up comedy as the thought of getting up on stage  and doing fat jokes makes me want to die. Being overweight affects every part of my life and I need to remove it as an issue so I can live my life the way I want to.  I need to address it , attack it and master it and then I can concentrate on other things that make me happy. I love to sing and do comedy but at a weight over 200 pounds I do not want to do any of it. I feel that I am treated like an invisible nonviable human by coworkers and really not someone that is respected. I have a feeling that may change with a better healthier lets just say it younger looking appearance.  Maybe what I really need is self respect and the rest will follow. I want to have sex with my husband and be proud of what I look like not be sheepish. Insert your own  sheep sex joke here.   I want to have money left over after paying bills. The debt thing is huge , actually find myself afraid to  even add it up.  Ok, just added it up and have found I need short and long term goals. The short term goal is to pay off Chevron, pay pall, pay later, Nordstrom and Bloomingdales. They have high interest and balances that can be paid off in 9 months.  Once those are paid off  I should also be  hitting  goal weight.  Then I plan on attacking paying off the car and $19000 visa bill this should be during the weight maintenance portion of the plan. The IRS is in there too but I have no idea how that will happen. They have their own time table and I am in that with my husband They are most likely a very long term goal. Bastards.  By the time I turn  50 I will be out of debt and  weighing what I did in my 20’s. That is the goal.   I will increase my retirement contributions and then probably die. No!  I hope not! I really  feel  the shopping and eating are symptoms of something. I guess if I went to a therapist they could make me figure out.  But I will save time and money and forgo that route to self awareness.   I have formulated a plan that  will help me reduce debt and lose weight. I feel by doing this I will feel better and be able to live a life Suzie O would approve of. Mostly I want to address  the character traits that cause this and just be a better person. This means no more using the cards,  that may be harder than changing my eating habits.  So a very structured payment plan and Jenny Craig will help me get there to the land of the thin and   rich (to me) .  A place I have longed to reach. Want to come too?