How much should I write?

I have noticed that I am better at all of this when I write.  I am torn with writing "good material" and writing for my own growth. It seems when I am just plugging along and doing OK  there is no Funny. Why should this be about "funny"  any way?  Maybe because all the writing classes I have taken were about comedy writing? That seems an easy explanation. I also think about who  is reading this I want it to be fun. So I am now at the point where every entry can not be funny.  The thrill or honeymoon phase is over I am  almost 3 months in and 18 pounds lighter. I have paid a significant amount in debt but have also back slid a little in the shopping arena. Not shopping is harder than not eating!

Maybe this should not be about the "nots" and be about  "doing" but "doing" something else! Lost you?? I mean horse back riding instead of buying leather and eating steak. Horses instead of cows! I love farm animals analogies. Walking the dog instead of cuddling with them.  Buying veggies and fruit instead of over sized sweaters. Actually going whale watching instead of watching Whale wars on TV.  I could do more of these but I think you get the jist.

 I spoke about breath holding and drowning in other attempts at change. Walking on a tight rope not giving myself a whole lot of room for error. In the long run I land on my ass in the center ring only no one really notices. the circus tent  is empty I am hurt and there is no one there to help.  OK I am now depressed.  I have 40 or 45 more pounds to go maybe 50 if I want to go 24 year old bride or for that matter  27 year old divorced girl. I weighed the same at the beginning and end of marriage number 1. Interesting. 

Today I am having a Haloween party. I am dressing as a Irish Good Luck Charm.. Oddly enough I am serving all Italian food.  Got my sauce going. Usually at one of our parties I do not eat enough and am always chasing my wine glass. Usually  by the end of the night  I will have one in each room. Cleaning and cooking  and nervous energy, I am not too worried about today. However I have created a goal. Hydrate like crazy, actually have a meal and not graze and get back on track immediately Sunday. This cannot go 2 days!

My heel spur is killing me when it subsides I will had back to Yoga. Being barefoot kills.

Feelings wo wo wo feelings!

8 am- it is my day off and I weigh in at 9:20. It was a good week  Hoping for 1 1/5 off. Looking back I have lost every week except for one which reflected my monthly cycle. I should be proud of myself but I  am getting caught up in what I should weigh.  I just want to get there already! I think the official weigh in will get me to a 19 pound loss. 40 or 50 to go depending on many factors.   I am  still OK with the food and have weekend dinners on my own, I have had "cheat" days and  I am stronger due to Yoga. This week I was actually short on Yoga. Check out why it is ridiculous. We have a street legal golf cart I take that to the 4:30 Yoga class and  then jam to get to Elaine's school to pick her up before they call CPS. This week the golf cart has the job for holding parking in front of our house as my real vehicle is tethered to our old ass boat that got evicted from it's place on pier 38. (the city is reclaiming lots of land for the US sailing open) Now it is on the street and  it has to be moved every 3 days so it does not get towed. We had a neighbor call in on us and  we have been evading the damn parking pigs ever since. Parking in our neighborhood is tough and we have to have a place in front of the house for Jacks plumbing van when he gets home. So  while on foot I cannot get to Yoga and then get Elaine before CPS is called.  I would have to run and ruin my Yoga zen. Plus after Yoga I do noting too fast because I am tired.  Instead I have been walking to get her and taking the dogs with me for a walk. How about that excuse. Pretty brilliant!

OK- back did sometinhg STUPID I drank 2 huge cups of coffee before I weighed. nOt sure why maybe I am tired of sweating this so much. I still lost 1 pound for a total of 18 or so pounds gone. Also paid off "pay later.com" NOW!   One down several to go!

Planning a party for Saturday. the game plan stick to my plan every meal this week except Saturday night! that is the plan. Also get to Yoga this week and continue 40 to go.

Weigh day!

Add another  pound gone for a total of 17 LB! My coat was a little loser and I feel pretty dang good.

Yesterday I got home from work and again searched for excuses not to work out. I was tired, I could do it Thursday blah blah blah. I called Jack and he encouraged me. I put my clothes and immediately felt like going. This technique has worked for me in the past. This combined with a run in with some of my very favorite candly made by a coworker pointed me in one direction- Yoga.
 Last night in Yoga I had a teacher I have never had. A young man boy who seemed to be quite irritated with some girls that actually talked during class, then one had the nerve to leave in the middle for a break from the heat. These are strict no no's in Yoga.  When someone leaves the room you can expect a comment from the teacher.  Some are more positive then others. Some of the teachers get pretty pissed off. This does not help matters when you are trying to be zen like. The entire class was a bit like "Simon Says"  He says " take a deep breath, inhale your arms above your head , place hands in prayer and take a giants step forward with your right leg and charge forward into a giant "t"" If you took a step a second early he would get mad and say something rather mean like "it is not yoga if we do not do  it together" Whatever. H reminded me a little of  Kevin Bacon in Animal House shouting "All is well in the riot scene"   He got mad if you moved before he told you too. It is hard sometimes to go at the slow deliberate  pace they ask of you. It is 26 poses - always the same ones. You get to know the moves and can anticipate the next move. Sometimes I go over them in my head before we do them  I am like " 1/2 tortoise, camel, rabbit head to knee twist breath and we are out of here!"  Well I began my Yoga sit up before he told us to move and got scolded, I felt like saying at least I did not talk or leave the room. I thought he might yell " I did not say "Simon Says"  you are out!"   So felt strong but it was weird. In the end I am glad I went. I was tired but strong.  I also think they cleaned because it was not as stinky as last time.

More of the same bike, yoga and Jenny Craig. Jack is now a licensed contractor so a celebration is in order too! 

A note about shopping... Avoiding all the sales being thrust at me.  Shop at Bloomingdale's right now and you could also help them raise money for breast cancer. Clever clever clever Bloomingdale's if the promo code PINK11 (for 20% off)  worked for  new Uggs they would have had me but it did not so no Uggs for me!

I am still alive and losing

Just a note to check in. I am alive and well. I have gotten into a routine that seems to work and yield 1 - 1 1/2 pounds off per week.  I feel good but it is certainly slow.  I have lost 16 pounds in 10 weeks.   PMS  has given me the blues. I am also in the mood to eat! Had a run in with some Halloween candy yesterday! Oops.  Had misplaced my  bike helmet and my brakes on my bike went out so I missed 1 day of riding this week. I will ride  with no brakes or no helmet every once and a while but I refuse to ride with no brakes or helmet at the same time. If I have no brakes I want my helmet!    Jack fixed the brakes and found the helmet. Thanks Jack!

Today I got extremely irritated with an article that featured  a young male athletic trainer who was purposely gaining weight to then go ahead and lose it to show how easy it is to lose. If he had a sex change and a time machine to age him and then he conducted this experiment  I might buy his findings.I feel like putting  the little bastard over my knee and whacking the hell out of him.  " how dare you even pretend to be in my shoes!" There is no way we would have the same experience and I  hate him. 


As for debt that is slow too. I am over my shopping set back and will just keep trying. 

I feel the need to make this funny but do not feel funny right now. So sorry! I  did not have much to say today but felt I had to check in. I had a mellow weekend. the weather was amazing but the fog is back and it is a bummer. One thing I can not wait for is my favorite day of the year - when we get that hour back from day light savings. I am riding my bike through the park at 6 am and looking at stars.   It seems wrong.

I may wish on one of those stars and my wish would be  to accomplish this goal and move on.

The Gift of Time

Got off work early - got to work out-  Hot Yoga.. Hottest day ever in the Richmond District too  and it was hard.  I longed for sips of fog. It was not quite as hard as my last work out when I was so tired. Just hot. I was a little wobbly but strong.  I was probably the oldest person there. I remember  always being the youngest , strange feeling.  The teacher kept trying to make jokes and  when his "jokes" were met with silence he kept saying "tough crowd!" Not sure that having an open mic in the middle of a Yoga class is a good idea. Maybe if he started picking on people it might get interesting.  He could be like " hey you fatty don't give up if your boob was smaller you could get your head on your knee, just push it to the side and stretch!!!!" or  he could act like  the drill Sargent from the movie  Full Metal Jacket." shouting "are you a steer or a queer?"  I would heckle back saying "this is my Yoga mat there is no other mat like it, it is my own ..." You get the picture  That might be funny. It was just a strange forum for jokes. I like it when Priests crack jokes in Church, I think some Dr's can get away with them if they have good timing and I would not mind if a cop made a joke when they pulled me over. I guess if he told jokes that were funny it could have been another story. I did not even realize he was trying to be funny as many of the things they say in sincerity I find hilarious.  It just sort of took me back to some bad open mic comedy nights of my own!

Got home from class took a shower and put on some shorts that were size XL and ridiculously huge on me. They look like the  pants in an 'after" shot that  the newly thin person is holding up. They will be mine. I  have to start putting pictures up on this. I will. Stay tuned for pictures of the shorts, transformed Jenny Craig food and my boots!   Maybe I could sneak a camera into Yoga!

 Also when I got home I was STARVING. I took the weight loss counselor advise and had a lean protein high fiber 1/2 a sandwich and it helped. These hot SF days are tough not to make a Margarita .  We do not get too many of these days.  "Skinny Girl Margarita's " kept coming into my head during class maybe that is why I did not get his "jokes"

The scale for the past 2 days has shown good progress.  I have to weigh in Thursday at 4:20 (  for the pot heads I said 4:20 haha)  I always weigh in the morning. I hope I get credit for all my work or actually luck because last  weekend was bad!

Really short!

The Ralph Lauren Riding Boots are amazing ( a little big) but perfect and I am keeping them.  I am not perfect but these boots are.

Scale was promising today. No damage done this weekend, weird.  Maybe I was not that bad.   I plan on eating my Jenny food and be perfect for the next 2 days then weigh in officially.This is a change I will weigh in in the afternoon. I have some scale rules. Try not to weigh in the afternoon, wearing clothes or after drinking any water. Time to ditch the eating disorder and see  what I weigh in the afternoon. This really scares me. I might have to get naked!

I am home right now because my daughter is sick again. I plan on taking care of her and organizing my closet and drawers.  I might try on my skinny jeans or on second thought  I am not ready for this! There is a weight  they work and I am not at it yet.  Next weekend I am going to try and not party. I am not going to "breath hold" I will plan some activities that will not mess with my goals.  I have noting planned except I am on call at eh hospital on  Friday and Sunday so I just have to get through Saturday. Watch it be the day Jack's Contractors licence comes. Champagne waiting for that moment.  In that case i will be powerless! We are on the home stretch with dealing with the stupid IRS and I find out soon if I get the decreased stress job. Decreasing the stress of these two items will help me get to my goals. This is how I see things when I am 50 ( in 3 1/2 years) out of major debt, working less and enjoying some sort of activity like performing or horse back riding. Or performing on horseback. I am still trying to figure that part out. Oh yhea I will be thin,

Fun weekend...

Going to weigh in on Thursday.  Mentally  incapable of weighing in today. This weekend I learned I can prepare for a party by working out before and eating properly the day of the event but there is the chance everything will go to hell the following day.  Short on "Jenny"  food and an impromptu drive down the coast proved challenging and I failed.  Being in a car,  rather hungry and very tired (ie hung over)  with  beef jerky, sunflower seeds, Dibs and chips available proved to be  too much for me. I munched out  Oops! The first real munchy mess up I have had. It was counteracted by a trip to a farmers market where we bought some fresh chard and artichokes and our Halloween pumpkins.  I did resist the temptation  and healing powers of a Bloody Mary. The scale was not too punishing this morning but I do feel bad.  Trying to look at the positives,  dinner  was lean meat our fresh veggies and a potato.  I took a few breaks from Jenny Craig food this weekend. I made some mistakes but recovered.  This is going to be a long journey if I am doing it a pound at a time I need to know I am human and will venture off my path from time to time.   The moment I feel deprived is the moment I give up. So I am not going to beat  myself up every weekend. I am going to just keep trying.   I am not ready to quit!   Today I have been an "A" student. I have to stay in today. Today is good. Weird how I am starting to like Mondays.

I got to yoga 4 times last week and road my bike 3 times. The final work out was tough. Everything hurt and I heard groans  coming from someone in class that echoed how I felt. It was comic relief and comforting that I was not alone in my pain and suffering.  I sort of felt like someone in a cell that could hear the echos of a fellow inmate  crying in a distant cell. I wanted to call out "My name is Mary how long have you been imprisoned here?" Then I heard the sound of a very chronic horrible sounding cough. I located the source of the cough  and noticed I was not the only one horrified with the possibility of being contaminated with pertussis or TB.  A few others shifted their focus to the old Asian  coughing man. Probably a recovered smoker trying to live a healthier life but a little too late. The room air is hot and thick you have to breath through your nose the entire time and sometimes this is unbearable, it stinks like a room full of sweaty Yogis pourng off sweat like Niagara falls because it is!.  All that breathing with someone that is sick takes away from the zen. The carpet was saturated with sweat when I  got there. So you do not just get to smell your fellow Yogis you get the class prior and maybe the one before that too. Maybe a call to the health department is in order.   I tried hard to stay on my mat.! Like if I  stepped off I would go into lava or get eaten by an alligator.  I was a bit grossed out in Yoga and I hurt.  Not  the best class and I took a lot of breaks.  I was not flexible and tired fast.  My mind wondered more than usual.  Taking a 2 day break to recharge the batteries. 

I am full force eating right today.  Here is one problem with being on a diet like Jenny Craig. If you eat your own food or  eat out you can be lead to feel bad about it. I am going to look at it as the inevitable. Not going to eat the food forever. They have maintenance program that guides you through  the transition to real food. I sure hope I make it.

Boots to arrive today! Buyers remorse sort of setting in. They may go back unless they make me feel good inside and out! It is weird how clothes can make a women "feel" I was watching "What not to Wear" and got to thinking about how one is to dress fashionably and be put together in a way to accentuate your best features in an age appropriate way without breaking the bank and without getting caught up with  designers. It is hard. I think the perfect garment or outfit would be made of quality fabric not made  in China (good luck with finding that) , timeless and fit correctly. You would have a  timeless look that shows you are sophisticated  confident and sexy.  I have been known to buy random pieces simply because they were a size I would feel good about wearing.  Consequently, putting together an cohesive look gets lost sometimes. I try and mix and match clothes that I bought because of what size they were .  The hard part of my quest to lose weight and pay off debt  is that buying new clothes is fun as you get smaller. It is also necessary when things get too big. I think I have plenty to pick through and maybe a  journey with a discerning eye through my  closet is in order.  

Elaine has another fever pray for her.

Befroe and after Yoga and weigh in

Going to write before and after Yoga. Right now is the before and I am feeling a high level of anxiety associated with the stupid IRS, a possible job change and a basic lack of interest in most everything. I think I am depressed or I had a real weird reaction to my flu shot. I am looking forward to Yoga but feel a bit disinterested in most everything. I think this is the the mid life crisis part. I feel that I do not have anything to look forward to (except the arrival of my new boots)  On the other hand,  I do not feel like planning anything either! When I was a kid and felt this way I would bake. Not an option with the current life style I am trying. I also feel that the scale is failing to tell me what I want to hear when I want to hear it and like most things that do not go my way it really bugs me. I am trying so hard and following the rules I should get a big pay off. But it is painfully slow. This is not helping right now in fact I feel a bit worse. I will work out, pick  up the kid and have dinner and get back to you... what will the outcome be? Thursday is weigh day too and I have no idea how that will go.

... Post work out- bottom line I feel better. The nature of Yoga is as total body mind soul work out. It is an old practice and it works. I pushed stressful thoughts away or "stuffed" them  somewhere or I accepted things for what they are.  In the scope of things  I do not feel anxious. Except for the fact Thursday is weigh day!

I arrived at class early and went to the middle row. Until now I was purely a back row  Yogi not really feeling I fit in with the defined muscle scantily clad youngster. I usually hang with the new folks near the window or door.  It gets hot and any chance of getting  a  burst of foggy air is welcomed. For some reason  I decided  I graduated   to the middle row and took my place amongst the Yogi's.  Well I got got there first and "meditated" and when I  woke up ( I actually fell  asleep lying on the floor) there I was submerged amongst fit people of varying ages and stages of life. I  stood up straight and paid attention to my breath and went hard until I thought I was going to  barf! Then I pulled back a little. Barfing might mess with the zen like mood in the room. Then I started thinking- never good. I wondered if anyone has ever vomited in class.  Then I remembered my brother  tossing his cookies at a track meet after eating an entire package of red licorice. It could  happen, then I got a be paranoid. It was at that point I noticed that the girl who was usually in front of me was in the back row. I wondered if she judged me for taking  her place. If she thought I was foolish and if she was scoffing at my  poses. It was weird. I bet she felt known of it.   Then I really tried to read her tattoos but the light was too dim and my head was upside down looking through my legs at her  tattooed covered flank. All words written in cursive and  none readable. Maybe it said if you are reading this tattoo you are too close. I don't know but all of this helped me forget about the worries of the day. In the end I did fine and did not vomit.

... It is now Thursday AM and I am "pre" weigh in. I do not want to eat  or drink a thing. A throw back to my eating disorder minutes in high school. I never made it very long. In fact,  my stomach just started growling. It is a finely tuned machine. At work we get "relieved" for meals usually by the same folks. I salivate when I see them. Proof Pavlov was onto something.

I will write a bit more after I go see Jenny Craig- still not sick of the food. It is making me buy and prepare veggies and fruit. It is keeping me on a schedule and it is easy.  I am losing about 1 pound  a week now. The 2-3 pound weeks are behind me. It is slow but I feel good and I am getting toned.

... Back and as predicted I lost another pound  for a 15  pound total!  When I complained about how long this was taking  and pointed out I used to be able to lose 5 pounds in a week she said  "well honey you are not getting any younger." A stupid thing to say to say when you are also trying to sell them something. My weight loss counselor has made a career out of  weight loss. She has worked at just about as many different things I have tried. We are a good match. She sells and I resist the urge to buy.

Next week I coordinated my day off with the school schedule I now  have Monday off for Indigenous People  Day. It used to be Columbus Day- the school district took his day and gave it to the native AAmericans. I wonder if they even know. Maybe  in celebration there are casino deals.  Any how this means I will weigh in on Monday and be short my "make up days."  Yoga Yoga Yoga and 1 party on Saturday night!  

I am Woman!

The weekend went well. I see a cycle of consuming more on the weekends and then getting back to business on Monday. I think  this is normal. What I really hope to accomplish is being more active on the weekends. I wish instead of taxi cab driver for the kid who gets to play basketball and horse back ride I got to as well. Attention all taxi cab driver Moms lets shoot some hoops! I did find a yoga class in Berkeley ( it wasn't hard)  that I can do when I drop her off at her gym. I am going to try it Saturday.  I am trying to think of another hobby too I may learn to knit. I tried needle point but no shit I broke the needle several times.

Today I road my bike to work and did yoga prior to picking up the kid and cooking dinner. I am sitting here in wet yoga clothes about to get into a nice tub and relax. I  have to brag that today I put my forehead on the ground today while in a standing position. I tried to brag this to the husband and he seemed impressed? Whatever! I had the gay Jesus teacher only with shorter hair today. He was my first teacher and  I have always felt a sort of bond to him. Kind of like "imprinting" I cam out of the egg and saw him and he will forever be my yoga dad. Probably something I should  have kept to myself as I think I scared poor gay Jesus.  He was noticeably happy for my new trick too! I got to tell you that I feel so much stronger. This yoga stuff works well. Doing it in the danger hours of 430-6 is a fantastic way of staying out of the kitchen too. You do not exactly crave crappy food after working out. I made an arugula salad with some sort of hummus citrus dressing ,  broth sauteed mushrooms in  pepper lemon topped with Jenny Craig Classico Chicken Parmesean. It rocked. 

For my reward I bought 3 one hour massages at Living Social for $99 I will write about it in detail once I get it done. They are scheduled for Nov Dec and Jan.  As for my boots they arrive next week. I just got a bonus at work that I totally forgot about so all is well. Yes nurses get bonus' for hitting goals.  My coworkers hit their goal by good hand washing!  I think?